Adventures in Florence

We had an interesting evening last night to say the least. Koda, Sammy and I had a couple of unexpected visitors. Cristy’s air was out at home so her giant person of a doggie, Toby needed to stay at the condo due to his age and breathing problems (poor guy.) I prepared Koda and Sammy, telling them that Toby is just another dog and that he has no intentions of eating and/or stomping them. They seemed to understand but when Toby came in the condo he was breathing so loudly that he awoke the downstairs old man ghost (more on that later.) Needless to say Koda was not thrilled to let Toby smell her butt, so she hid under my legs (Ok, so she hid under Cristy’s legs but I like to pretend that she still loves me best.) Sammy slowly flattened herself further and further into the blanket on top of the chair, I assume attempting to go unseen…it worked for a while…

Once Toby stopped breathing like a freight train (mostly accomplished through him laying his belly flat on the cold floor, frog leg style) we settled in to watch Pretty Little Liars, I mean…CNN, we watched the news or something less embarrassing like that. On a side note, Toby eventually gets frustrated with having to breathe like that so he makes a giant huffy sigh which sends slobber in fourteen different directions. It’s really, um, cute…

After a well played round of PlayStation Jeopardy (seriously, Cristy, tell a girl the rules first next time,) it was time to take Koda and Toby out for their last potty break before bed. Grab leashes, grab dogs, barrel downstairs, dogs use the bathroom like good puppies so it’s time to go back in, and as I go to unlock the door, I realized….no keys. Brain was working overtime trying to think of options. Neighbor Harriet could let me in. Sure, its midnight but she locks herself out all the time. Buzzed her with a quick little buzz, not sure why, maybe it wasn’t as bad as buzzing for a long time. Might just jolt her out of her sleep rather than slowly annoying her into consciousness. Well, yeah that didn’t work so I buzzed a little longer the next time, and then again and again one more time. So about this time a very calm Cristy had taken Toby around back to check and see if we might be able to scale the balcony. And by “we” I mean Cristy because everyone knows what would happen to me if I tried to climb that thing. I’m thinking two fractured legs and a broken tail bone to start with. While she was scoping out the rock climbing situation, I was mulling over other options. Garage door opener is in my car!! Car is locked. Window beside the door, I could open it and reach through the screen….window is locked.

At this point the deck seemed to be the only option, so I followed Cristy around back. Calm as ever (even though her sugar was dropping and we had no food/juice, blood sugar meter, cell phones, etc.) she tried to see if she could jump up and grab the deck to pull herself up. It was just out of her reach, so I searched neighbors’ patios for appropriate furniture to give her a boost. Of course all I could find was a stool that probably couldn’t support a flower pot and two mesh spinning lawn chairs. Apprehensively I began to carry one of the spinning chairs over, picturing Cristy jumping from the chair, spinning in the air, then landing back with her foot piercing through the mesh, broken leg and barking dogs, and me helplessly standing there crying.

Suddenly I heard Cristy’s voice through the darkness “why don’t we just go in their door?” Could it be? The downstairs neighbors have moved to North Carolina, leaving an abandoned condo underneath mine. Their sliding door was open! All that had to be done was go in their condo, through the hallway and then back up to my door! Of course this left the burning question of how someone could pack up and move to another State and not bother to lock their ground floor sliding door which left access for every homeless person and rapist in the tri-state area to party in our hallway.

Standing on my deck in wonderment at our luck that we didn’t have to sleep in the gazebo by the pool with two dogs and only froggy lake water to drink, we came to the conclusion that the old man ghost who lived downstairs must have opened the door for us. I know he is there because he still throws tennis balls up to my deck when Koda drops them off, just the way he did when he was alive. Seriously, watch for me on Ghost Hunters. Oh and also if there is a show called “People Who do Dumb Stuff and Somehow Find Ways to Get Out of It,” then watch for me on there, as well.

Cheese and Oreos

So, I have seriously neglected my blogging duties as of late, and the reason for that has one name. Cristy. I spend so much time trying to make her laugh via text, email or clever facebook postings (if they don’t come across as clever it’s cause we have inside jokes that you aren’t cool enough to understand, mmkay?!) that I have not needed this creative outlet. However the part of my brain that enjoys writing has begun to argue with the rest of my brain, and I am confident that is what has turned me into an Oreo Cookie addict. Yes, I have eaten a half a box of Oreos in the last couple of days….

Thus, I decided to blog about my adventures into veganism. No, I won’t lecture anyone…this time. I just have come to some conclusions worth sharing. Cheese is the best food on the planet. There, I said it. I love cheese and all its greasy, gooey, goodness. It holds casseroles together, it tops a taco and traps the yummy inside, it binds pasta dishes, makes pizza what it is and I have determined I will not be able to live much longer without my old friend, Cheese. Milk, I can do without. I think I could even learn to give up baked goods and other things that require eggs. They are weird little buggers anyways when you think about it. But Cheese is going to have to reenter my life, I just have to determine when.

I have also decided that had I not started dating a carnivore who can eat more than a giant after a 10k who fasted for a week before hand, then I might not have started craving the stuff so quickly. The biggest problem here is that I love to cook. I simply love cooking and having other people enjoy my creations. Cristy does not enjoy Peanut Butter and Jelly with vegetarian baked beans and broccoli with butter substitute. I mean, she is really nice and she would tell me she liked it and clean her plate but then I would be ordering her two large bacon pizzas with extra meat on the side in two hours time.

This diet has done a few things for me which I celebrate. First of all it has let me know that I CAN do this. I can live a vegan lifestyle and not starve. I believe that I will cut back on animal products in my life, for moral and health purposes and of course remain vegetarian.

Secondly, I have lost some weight, which always makes me happy. However one reason that I have yet to determine the end date of my vegan experience, is that I am worried I will put that weight back on immediately when I try to cram in three weeks worth of pizza, cheesy pasta, burritos, macaroni and cheese, sour creamy baked potatoes and god knows what else. Since I am dating the woman who can eat two Chipotle Burritos in one sitting and not gain an ounce on her tiny body, I fear that the only reason that I haven’t packed on weight recently given my crap-ass metabolism, is the V word. No, not that dirty minds, Veganism.

This will remain to be seen, but I am still thinking that if she has stuck around after finding nothing she likes to eat at my condo but lettuce with dressing, then she is probably a keeper…among other reasons.

Bodysuits

Meg: I just went into Forever 21 and they have body suits! No crotch snaps, though.
Me: What? Well in that case I dont want one.
Meg: Haha, me either, too hard to pee.
Me: I know, did we learn nothing from the 80's?

An Even More Inconvenient Truth

Disclaimer: if you don’t like to discuss where meat comes from, or if you simply “don’t want me throwing my veggie loving lifestyle in your face” then you might want to skip today’s blog!

Those who know me well know that I have been a successful vegetarian for about 8 years now. I have learned so much about vegetarianism, farming in the US, diet and health that my original reasons for becoming vegetarian (love for animals) still exists but has been complimented by many more reasons. So much so that my answer to the question “Why are you a vegetarian?” should politely be answered with “How much time do you have?”

Becoming Vegan will be an adjustment as I learn what I can and can not consume, and also as I miss certain items which I love (cheese, egg salad, mayonnaise.) However so far the biggest change for me is adjusting to calling myself “vegan” as opposed to “vegetarian,” a title I have held and adopted as a part of my self identity. This is consistent with my theory that while people always tell me that they are impressed with my diet and wonder how I can make such a sacrifice, in reality it is not that difficult. I will eat this, I won’t eat that. There are always appetizing alternatives.

Throughout my path to Veganism, I have been teased quite a bit based on my dietary choices, and it doesn’t bother me at all. “If God didn’t want us to eat meat, then why did He make it so tasty?” “Humans have been eating meat for thousands of years.” “It’s nature and natural selection for humans to eat ‘lesser beings’.” Perhaps if we still hunted, raised, killed our meat the way that we have for thousands of years, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I likely still wouldn’t eat it, but I wouldn’t be so disturbed by it. It is only in the last two generations that current attitudes toward animals and the Factory Farm have come into existence, and it is not a pretty change. The meat industry basically has the right to instill any practice that it deems necessary in order to produce meat cheaply and mass produce it.

I have long held the opinion that part of the origin behind our lack of respect for animals as well as our planet is based in Religion. We have, as a culture, developed a Human-centric ideology, whereby since we were supposedly crafted in the image of God, we are thus better than Animals (a category of which we are members) and also entitled to the earth and all of its inhabitants. I like to think of the cliché WWJD in this regard, how would Jesus have wanted us to treat animals? I seriously doubt he would be happy witnessing a downed cow dumped in a pit and left to die.

One argument I often hear is that chickens or cows are dumb (not the case) and thus it’s alright to eat them. Does intelligence even matter when it comes to pain and suffering? And if that is the argument then are dumb humans on the menu as well?

It is interesting to me that people are able to ignore morals when it comes to the animals they eat. Or at least ignore the situation from which the meat comes, which makes it easier to not consider those animals’ suffering and the applicable moral dilemma.
Daily I witness what seems almost a false concern for animals. Sadness over homeless dogs and cats, overcrowded shelters and oil drenched sea birds on TV is well founded, however what about the 99% of animals in our food source who are living in agony?

Few people have any idea what happens at Factory Farms. The issue isn’t only that they are killed inhumanely, which they are, but that they live their entire, insignificant lives in pain and discomfort. It amounts to torture and would be considered as such if it were a dog or cat not able to even turn around in its wire cage. Or what about health concerns? Cages upon cages stacked on top of each other with no flooring means that the chickens literally shit all over each other. Really healthy…

What do we expect to happen if we continue to exploit rather than respect our food sources? This could be our generation’s calling, our duty. It is not previous generations’ fault because as a country we have sought ways to mechanize production processes and increase output. Now it is time to put our ingenuity to better uses and find new ways to produce food. The Factory Farming process is a burden on the environment, bad for our health, and damaging to our reputation as an intelligent species on this planet.

Online Training

Sexual Harassment Training

I understand that we live in a litigious society full of internet hackers and douche bags who try to pick up coworkers, but online work trainings seem so pointless and wasteful. The one that I had to take today wasn’t even graded, but perhaps should have been, because I am pretty sure that if someone were to not pass this then they are too dumb to work here. Common sense apparently has to be spelled out in the form of trainings so that someone does not confuse their work computer with Hustler or post their password as their Facebook Status update.

In the spirit of online trainings I decided to create my own, enjoy:

1. Joe and Nancy are flirting in the cubicle next to you, they enjoy each other, but the situation is making Sally uncomfortable. Do you:
a.) tell your supervisor that you are working with whores.
b.) go ask them to have a threesome.
c.) tell Sally she is a huge p*ssy.
d.) screw your boss.
e.) all of the above

2. Your work place is on fire however you have sensitive client information on your computer screen and around your desk area. Do you:
a.) Run screaming through the halls and jump out of the nearest window.
b.) Safely shut down your computer, but only after changing your password and backing up all of the information to a flash drive, and shreding all sensitive information, all while your clothes begin to burn.
c.) Have sex with your coworker, you’re probably all going to die, anyway.
d.) Make fun of all of your coworkers of different ethnic backgrounds.

3. Frances, the IT guys smells like Alcohol and keeps emailing you pictures of his ass and tripping over paperclips. Do you:
a.) Post his ass pictures on Craig’s List along with Frances’ contact information in the “For Sale” section.
b.) Push Frances down the stairwell and blame Sally
c.) Pull out your boot flask and join Frances in the Boiler room for lunch time Happy Hour.
d.) First contact your manager however if your manager is not available then contact her manager along with the ethics hotline. If you receive a busy signal on the ethics hotline, however your manager also calls you back and asks what was wrong, you tell her nothing because you have already contacted the other manager. Unless that manager doesn’t answer, too and then you leave a message for Frances telling him that he needs to contact the Ethics hotline regarding himself.
e.) Quit

4. A socially awkward coworker asks you what your favorite color is. Do you:
a.) Tell him it is green.
b.) Tell him it is blue.
c.) Tell him that it is pink.
d.) Tell him that you are legally color blind.
e.) Refer him to the Code of Conduct section regarding color prejudices.

Leave me alone when I'm reading...

Leave Me Alone While I Read

It seems that some people believe that when they see someone reading a book alone then that person must be sad and waiting for someone to initiate conversation. On the contrary, I actually enjoy reading! That is why I continue to buy these square things with pages in them off of Amazon, not because I confused them with the movie version. Or even when I am sitting alone thinking, pausing in my reading to stare at the grass and mull over recent events in my life, I wonder if people think that I am lonely. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign on my head that says “Alone but not lonely.” Or maybe I will craft a fake book cover so that when someone wanders over to ask me what I am reading, I can hold it up and say “it’s called Leave Me Alone While I Read.” I know that people try to be friendly at work and perhaps they like to be interrupted while reading their US Weekly so that they can discuss Heidi Montag’s boob job. However I don’t enjoy being plucked out of New York, or Oz, or whatever setting I am enjoying in my book to talk about how it’s hot out. Yep, and it was hot yesterday, and probably some day in the future it will be hot, again. Neither the weather, your frozen lunch entrée, or the details of your out of work boyfriend’s night out last night, is as interesting as Lisbeth Salander’s life. So, unless you are already my friend, then I wish to continue reading, and the fact that I didn’t lift my eyes from the pages of my book to answer your question about the rain should have indicated that. Too bad it’s only my friends who read my blog but at least I had the opportunity to vent…

Today

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, I can do anything that I want to do, and I promise myself that today is the last day I will cry over you...