One of my favorite websites "The Oatmeal," a collection of comics, frequently comments on how little differences in speach or phrase can make a huge difference. I just witnessed one with a coworker.
What she actually said to a student: "If I thought I'd look like you I would start Zoomba."
What I thought she said: "If I thought I looked like you I would start Zoomba."
Very small variance, VERY different meanings!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Gifts
I love how the holidays have changed for me since I was a child. Many people resist change but to me things typically change for the better and while holiday celebrations and the feelings they invoke might have morphed they are no less magical.
No one forgets that restless excitement deep in your heart on Christmas Eve as a child. The anticipation of Santa coming while you sleep was almost too much to bear; I am still not sure how I was able to get myself to sleep. Perhaps sheer exhaustion from all the visions of presents dancing in my head eventually caused me to collapse. But I am confident I was dreaming of that bearded fat man and his sack of fun while I slept. Toys were the name of the game, I didn’t want clothes, shoes or anything but something that was plastic and had a million parts for Dad to put together.
At some point, possibly in the course of a single year the list became all clothes. Nothing but a stack of clothes, crisp and folded and waiting for me to inventory, deciding when and where to wear which.
As a young adult the holiday wish list reads like a bed bath and beyond receipt. Items for the home became the goodies that I couldn’t wait to get my hands on and carefully place around my new condo.
As the years go by and the presents change, their importance seems to diminish exponentially. I remember being young at Munner’s for Thanksgiving and feeling so let down that there were no presents to go along with the big meal and family gathering. “What a tease” I would grumpily decide. Now the excited feeling in my heart is the anticipation of the time spent with my wonderful family. The new additions of Mike, Katie and now our darling Jack have only served to enhance the joy we experience when we gather together. I have visions of smiles, hugs, pajamas, wine, appetizers, peanut butter balls, and a sweet baby’s smile dancing in my head. I can’t wait to be with my family and I dread the weekend ending.
New Years Eve has transformed itself as well. As a child, banging pots and twirling noise makers in the street at midnight seemed so rebellious and exciting! As a teenager and young adult partying and drinking were musts. We would plan and plan the New Years Party only to feel slightly let down that alas, New Years is really just another night out. The bars entice me less now than ever, with their $20 cover charge which gets you a Dixie cup of champagne and four sad balloons falling from the ceiling. Now I am much more content to stay in, stay safe and warm to watch the Holiday Specials and the Ball Drop in New York City.
I know that things will continue to change, they always do. Maybe they will come full circle. Maybe when I am 90 I will think it is wonderfully exciting that I am able to stay up until midnight and have someone wheel me out in the streets to bang pots and pans together celebrating the events of a year in my life. Only time will tell, but I know that time is precious and spending it with my family is the best gift I can give myself during the holidays and throughout the year.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!!!
No one forgets that restless excitement deep in your heart on Christmas Eve as a child. The anticipation of Santa coming while you sleep was almost too much to bear; I am still not sure how I was able to get myself to sleep. Perhaps sheer exhaustion from all the visions of presents dancing in my head eventually caused me to collapse. But I am confident I was dreaming of that bearded fat man and his sack of fun while I slept. Toys were the name of the game, I didn’t want clothes, shoes or anything but something that was plastic and had a million parts for Dad to put together.
At some point, possibly in the course of a single year the list became all clothes. Nothing but a stack of clothes, crisp and folded and waiting for me to inventory, deciding when and where to wear which.
As a young adult the holiday wish list reads like a bed bath and beyond receipt. Items for the home became the goodies that I couldn’t wait to get my hands on and carefully place around my new condo.
As the years go by and the presents change, their importance seems to diminish exponentially. I remember being young at Munner’s for Thanksgiving and feeling so let down that there were no presents to go along with the big meal and family gathering. “What a tease” I would grumpily decide. Now the excited feeling in my heart is the anticipation of the time spent with my wonderful family. The new additions of Mike, Katie and now our darling Jack have only served to enhance the joy we experience when we gather together. I have visions of smiles, hugs, pajamas, wine, appetizers, peanut butter balls, and a sweet baby’s smile dancing in my head. I can’t wait to be with my family and I dread the weekend ending.
New Years Eve has transformed itself as well. As a child, banging pots and twirling noise makers in the street at midnight seemed so rebellious and exciting! As a teenager and young adult partying and drinking were musts. We would plan and plan the New Years Party only to feel slightly let down that alas, New Years is really just another night out. The bars entice me less now than ever, with their $20 cover charge which gets you a Dixie cup of champagne and four sad balloons falling from the ceiling. Now I am much more content to stay in, stay safe and warm to watch the Holiday Specials and the Ball Drop in New York City.
I know that things will continue to change, they always do. Maybe they will come full circle. Maybe when I am 90 I will think it is wonderfully exciting that I am able to stay up until midnight and have someone wheel me out in the streets to bang pots and pans together celebrating the events of a year in my life. Only time will tell, but I know that time is precious and spending it with my family is the best gift I can give myself during the holidays and throughout the year.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!!!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmas Wish List
Dear Santa,
I have been very good this year, and while my parents are always very good to me at Christmas Time and throughout the year, there are a few things that they have not been able to find. So I was hoping that in return for my position at the top of the Nice list you would be able to grant me the following wishes:
1.) The first one is an easy one, I want none of my appliances to ever break or become obsolete ever again. Don’t worry, Santa, the requests get more and more reasonable down the list.
2.) I need a way to have a child without paying thousands of dollars up front, but I am cool with the after pregnancy costs. More specifically, I would like a guy friend who is not very attached to his sperm.
3.) Please have people stop making baby’s pictures their profile picture. It is confusing because most of those babies look similar and I can’t tell who is who. Plus it is very disturbing to see a baby’s innocent face next to “wishes the f*cking traffic on Nicholasville road would G*d D*mn clear up and everyone would go the h*ll home!”
4.) Repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
5.) Disney World Season Pass and a Disney Vacation Club Membership. I guess I can front the plane tickets.
6.) Please de-scent all of my coworkers lunches so that I don’t have to smell things that offend me (like tuna) or things that make me hungry when I was doing just fine with my sandwich and apple (like Pizza.)
7.) Never Ending Toilet Paper Rolls for each bathroom.
8.) Gift Certificates to each of my favorite restaurants, alphabetized and organized into days of the week that I enjoy eating there.
9.) Make Cristy’s Diabetes go away.
10.) Helicopter so that I can go see Jack whenever I want. That means that Meg and Mike will need a landing pad in their back yard…so that, too.
11.) Vegan cheese that tastes like cheese
12.) After you drop off all of these gifts on Christmas Morning, please leave an elf behind to box up my decorations, roll up the lights, carry everything down to the garage, reorganize said garage, and take my dog out to pee before he leaves.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I have been very good this year, and while my parents are always very good to me at Christmas Time and throughout the year, there are a few things that they have not been able to find. So I was hoping that in return for my position at the top of the Nice list you would be able to grant me the following wishes:
1.) The first one is an easy one, I want none of my appliances to ever break or become obsolete ever again. Don’t worry, Santa, the requests get more and more reasonable down the list.
2.) I need a way to have a child without paying thousands of dollars up front, but I am cool with the after pregnancy costs. More specifically, I would like a guy friend who is not very attached to his sperm.
3.) Please have people stop making baby’s pictures their profile picture. It is confusing because most of those babies look similar and I can’t tell who is who. Plus it is very disturbing to see a baby’s innocent face next to “wishes the f*cking traffic on Nicholasville road would G*d D*mn clear up and everyone would go the h*ll home!”
4.) Repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
5.) Disney World Season Pass and a Disney Vacation Club Membership. I guess I can front the plane tickets.
6.) Please de-scent all of my coworkers lunches so that I don’t have to smell things that offend me (like tuna) or things that make me hungry when I was doing just fine with my sandwich and apple (like Pizza.)
7.) Never Ending Toilet Paper Rolls for each bathroom.
8.) Gift Certificates to each of my favorite restaurants, alphabetized and organized into days of the week that I enjoy eating there.
9.) Make Cristy’s Diabetes go away.
10.) Helicopter so that I can go see Jack whenever I want. That means that Meg and Mike will need a landing pad in their back yard…so that, too.
11.) Vegan cheese that tastes like cheese
12.) After you drop off all of these gifts on Christmas Morning, please leave an elf behind to box up my decorations, roll up the lights, carry everything down to the garage, reorganize said garage, and take my dog out to pee before he leaves.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Letter to my Mutt
Dear Dakota,
I am so glad that you were born. Someone thought so little of you that they tossed you and your sisters in a box in the woods but luckily for you and the other rescue dogs most people are not like that person. Someone found you and gave you a temporary home until I could find you and become your lifetime home.
I love that there will never be another doggie just like you. You are unique and one of a kind and the fact that you are not a full breed dog means that you might not have undesirable characteristics that can result from over breeding.
I love that strangers are so curious about your sweet uniqueness that they consistently stop me to ask what type of dog you are. No one else can have one of you; you are your own individual made-up breed!
I love that you seem to know that you were rescued. You are so grateful to me for saving your life so you try extra hard to make me happy each day. Of course you are naughty sometimes but you find ways to say you are sorry.
I love your long undocked tail that looks like a broom sweeping the ground when you run by.
Your right ear will stand up but the other does not unless something extremely exciting is happening. Usually that floppy left ear just lies there, and it makes your face asymmetrical and adorable!
Above all else I love that you are my dog and I am so glad that you came into my life when you did, making you the only positive thing that resulted from my previous relationship! I will be your home and I promise to take good care of you because you love me unconditionally.
Love, Ann
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Break Up Blog
I was cruising back through my day planner today examining the events of the last year and phew, I am worn out now. The calendar is a tell-tale roadmap of the rollercoaster that was my life for the approximately 5 months that I allowed my ex to perpetually reenter it. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to 2011 and the beautiful things it should bring if I am entitled the karma that everyone keeps saying I am. I am picturing Ellen Degeneres showing up at my house and offering to entertain me personally with stand-up while her vegan chef cooks me a 6 course dinner. Additionally, global warming will be reversed by all the vegetarians taking over the US, so I don’t have to worry about that anymore, beer reverts to being a quarter at bars in the Northern Kentucky area, and I win four free trips to Disney…no make that five.
When someone tells you that they will never hurt you, all that means is that they can not envision themselves hurting you at that particular time. And being hurt sucks. When everything you think you want and love falls apart in a matter of a few weeks, the physical pain of it rivals the emotional pain. My calendar reads like a blank book for those three weeks following our return from the “Anniversary” Trip which was actually “Ann watches in vain while her wife texts her new girlfriend” Trip. The calendar is literally blank, which is how I felt. I look at it now as wasted time, a period in my life that I barely remember and don’t want to. I do remember at times walking through the grocery with an empty cart (see what I am doing with the empty metaphors?) in a zombie like state, not even knowing what I was doing there because I wasn’t hungry in the least.
Slowly but with marked set-backs every time she decided that she wanted to get back together (for sure this time, not like last time, I cant live without you, you are my everything, blah, blah, blah,) I began to climb through the fog. I could breathe easier each week, I could enjoy myself with my friends, I could get through most of a work day without spending 2 hours in the bathroom stall crying into my sad little wad of toilet paper. Set-backs however were usually fairly extreme each time that I caught her cheating again and felt insanity like I have never felt to the point of blind rage.
I would feel that I had finally reached the breaking point, that moment when I knew that I had to move on, however I never really got there. There was always this voice in my head telling me that I would never find someone again and that it would be best and easiest to try to go back to things the way they were before. But of course you can never go back to things the way they were before, life doesn’t work that way and thank God that it doesn’t. Too many of us would simply push that rewind button, go back to our old ways and never know what could have been or what should have been.
Advice from friends and from the rational side of my self would seem to make sense and register but then wisp out of my ear like smoke in a car escaping through open windows. The strength was there one minute, and gone the next. I had a distinct inability to hate any of her flaws. Things that I had known were flaws when we were together were always endearing to me since they were a part of her. Once I finally had the trigger that allowed me to pull away I saw all of those flaws in high definition and surround sound. They were magnified and so apparent to me that I could not understand why I had not been able to see them during the roller coaster ride. I guess when you are moving that fast and there is so much up and down and upside down turns you can’t see the bumps and cracks.
For example, how could overt narcissism be anything but disgustingly annoying? I don’t understand what I saw as endearing in that trait and the world may never know. When I finally opened myself up to meeting someone new at just the time that the final text that broke the cheater’s back was found, it was almost an instantaneous release of my feelings for her.
I was no longer attracted to her, I saw every flaw in her and her life, I could breathe, I could make decisions, and most importantly, I was happy. That moment when you know you are free is like finding the solution to the ultimate math problem.
Obviously that trigger is different for everyone, finding it is key, but it’s like one of those flying keys in Harry Potter that are nearly impossible to catch without magic. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that break ups and relationships are so difficult, just like snowflakes no two are the same.
So I am sure I will learn many more lessons but just a little too late, as is my trend. But for now I am going to go clean my house and give Koda a bath because Ellen Degeneres is coming over very soon!
When someone tells you that they will never hurt you, all that means is that they can not envision themselves hurting you at that particular time. And being hurt sucks. When everything you think you want and love falls apart in a matter of a few weeks, the physical pain of it rivals the emotional pain. My calendar reads like a blank book for those three weeks following our return from the “Anniversary” Trip which was actually “Ann watches in vain while her wife texts her new girlfriend” Trip. The calendar is literally blank, which is how I felt. I look at it now as wasted time, a period in my life that I barely remember and don’t want to. I do remember at times walking through the grocery with an empty cart (see what I am doing with the empty metaphors?) in a zombie like state, not even knowing what I was doing there because I wasn’t hungry in the least.
Slowly but with marked set-backs every time she decided that she wanted to get back together (for sure this time, not like last time, I cant live without you, you are my everything, blah, blah, blah,) I began to climb through the fog. I could breathe easier each week, I could enjoy myself with my friends, I could get through most of a work day without spending 2 hours in the bathroom stall crying into my sad little wad of toilet paper. Set-backs however were usually fairly extreme each time that I caught her cheating again and felt insanity like I have never felt to the point of blind rage.
I would feel that I had finally reached the breaking point, that moment when I knew that I had to move on, however I never really got there. There was always this voice in my head telling me that I would never find someone again and that it would be best and easiest to try to go back to things the way they were before. But of course you can never go back to things the way they were before, life doesn’t work that way and thank God that it doesn’t. Too many of us would simply push that rewind button, go back to our old ways and never know what could have been or what should have been.
Advice from friends and from the rational side of my self would seem to make sense and register but then wisp out of my ear like smoke in a car escaping through open windows. The strength was there one minute, and gone the next. I had a distinct inability to hate any of her flaws. Things that I had known were flaws when we were together were always endearing to me since they were a part of her. Once I finally had the trigger that allowed me to pull away I saw all of those flaws in high definition and surround sound. They were magnified and so apparent to me that I could not understand why I had not been able to see them during the roller coaster ride. I guess when you are moving that fast and there is so much up and down and upside down turns you can’t see the bumps and cracks.
For example, how could overt narcissism be anything but disgustingly annoying? I don’t understand what I saw as endearing in that trait and the world may never know. When I finally opened myself up to meeting someone new at just the time that the final text that broke the cheater’s back was found, it was almost an instantaneous release of my feelings for her.
I was no longer attracted to her, I saw every flaw in her and her life, I could breathe, I could make decisions, and most importantly, I was happy. That moment when you know you are free is like finding the solution to the ultimate math problem.
Obviously that trigger is different for everyone, finding it is key, but it’s like one of those flying keys in Harry Potter that are nearly impossible to catch without magic. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that break ups and relationships are so difficult, just like snowflakes no two are the same.
So I am sure I will learn many more lessons but just a little too late, as is my trend. But for now I am going to go clean my house and give Koda a bath because Ellen Degeneres is coming over very soon!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Movies My Dad Likes
My taste in movies is a bit like my taste in music, in that there is no real rhyme or reason to my collection. It is safe to assume that the collection of movies I currently own (minus some that were unfortunately lost in the robbery, I mean last break up) represent my favorite movies. Among them are romance, documentaries, scary movies, musicals (OK, maybe an overabundance of these,) cartoons, drama, etc.
I found myself DVRing and then watching Only The Lonely a few nights ago and I sat wondering why in the hell I consistently watch this movie when it is on and what about it I really enjoy. I couldn’t put my finger on it, save for one quality it contained. My Dad loves it. I then walked over to the bookcase containing all my DVDs (and yes some remaining VHS Tapes) and scanned the collection for further evidence of movies I like just because my Dad does. There they sat, staring back at me in all their randomness: Star Wars, Dances with Wolves, The Great Outdoors, The Muppets Take Manhattan, Riding in Cars with Boys, Superman. The list goes on and on.
For the most part, my personal favorite genres of movie can be summed up in Chick Flicks (i.e. Fried Green Tomatoes,) Musicals (duh,) and witty comedies (i.e. Mean Girls.) However my overall list of Favorite movies extends well beyond those constrictions. Our love for things such as movies and music can stem from so many factors other than simply plot, theme or category. Star Wars is the best example because under controlled circumstances I would never enjoy those movies. Poorly acted fantasy about space and robots, not my typical cup of tea. But we watched them when we were little, Dad liked them, so we wanted to like them, too so we could all watch together. They are attached to some foggy memories that I can’t even recall which make me feel comfortable and safe.
I believe that this love of things my parents love extends over to my Disney obsession. Just as my Dad rolls his eyes whenever I get a new pet and then gushes over them when he sees them, he will tease me about Disney trips but secretly loves being there as much as I do. Last time we went to Epcot we walked in grabbed a map and Dad said I don’t care what we do but when can we go on “Ellen’s Energy Adventure?” I regrettably had to inform him that this ride was under construction for the month, and darned if the 60 year old President of a successful Engineering firm didn’t look at me and pout his lower lip in protest. Now that I am older I realized that he loves the Hall of Presidents, so I love going to the Hall of Presidents with him, even though I likely would have skipped it without him.
Whether my love for Disney stems from my parents loving the place and taking us there every year, or they loved it so much because of watching me enjoy it, I can’t be sure. It’s the chicken or the egg question and honestly could be a combination of both factors.
Regardless, it is apparent to me that my parents values, pastimes and taste have a huge affect on my activities and I am glad that they do. Every time I watch Clueless I picture my dad holding up his fingers in a “W’ and saying “WHATever!!”
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Lessons for the Considerate
Thanks to the abundance of rude people I have encountered lately in the Tri-State area, I have composed a short list of guidelines for people who wish to be considerate.
1. Your time is less important than other people’s time.
2. It is your fault that you don’t possess the ability to read minds of other drivers. If someone wants to come over in your lane and doesn’t signal, use Jedi Mind Reading tricks to sense it and yield. Otherwise you will irritate them.
3. Always yield to anyone else in the grocery. You are invisible and they are likely under the reasonable impression that they are the only person in the store.
4. Other people don’t make mistakes driving, only you do. That belligerent red neck honking his horn and waving fingers at you is a perfect driver so you should understand his frustration with your incompetence.
5. It is a scientific fact that the line you are standing in will move faster if the person behind you stands on your heals and breathes down your neck, so deal with it. Additionally, if you are not panicking because you fear you are not putting your wallet away and moving from the register quickly enough, then you really aren’t all that considerate.
6. Four-way stops indicate that one should stop then go right away, however YOU must wait until all others have vacated the intersection.
7. If someone’s car music or motorcycle is too loud for your ears then buy earplugs and wear them whenever you are out of your home. Or even wear them at home if you find your neighbors dog barks through the night.
8. If a person is drunk then they are not responsible for their own actions, thus if they step on your foot, puke on your leg or grab your girlfriend’s boob then just shake it off and buy them another beer.
9. You are not permitted to park in the fire lane at the Grocery store but other people are. For explanation please see #1.
10. Even if the reason you are on the highway on-ramp is because you would like to merge onto the highway, allow the person behind you to merge before you so that they can zoom past you before you attempt to enter, even if it means driving in the emergency lane for a while. Again, Please see #1.
1. Your time is less important than other people’s time.
2. It is your fault that you don’t possess the ability to read minds of other drivers. If someone wants to come over in your lane and doesn’t signal, use Jedi Mind Reading tricks to sense it and yield. Otherwise you will irritate them.
3. Always yield to anyone else in the grocery. You are invisible and they are likely under the reasonable impression that they are the only person in the store.
4. Other people don’t make mistakes driving, only you do. That belligerent red neck honking his horn and waving fingers at you is a perfect driver so you should understand his frustration with your incompetence.
5. It is a scientific fact that the line you are standing in will move faster if the person behind you stands on your heals and breathes down your neck, so deal with it. Additionally, if you are not panicking because you fear you are not putting your wallet away and moving from the register quickly enough, then you really aren’t all that considerate.
6. Four-way stops indicate that one should stop then go right away, however YOU must wait until all others have vacated the intersection.
7. If someone’s car music or motorcycle is too loud for your ears then buy earplugs and wear them whenever you are out of your home. Or even wear them at home if you find your neighbors dog barks through the night.
8. If a person is drunk then they are not responsible for their own actions, thus if they step on your foot, puke on your leg or grab your girlfriend’s boob then just shake it off and buy them another beer.
9. You are not permitted to park in the fire lane at the Grocery store but other people are. For explanation please see #1.
10. Even if the reason you are on the highway on-ramp is because you would like to merge onto the highway, allow the person behind you to merge before you so that they can zoom past you before you attempt to enter, even if it means driving in the emergency lane for a while. Again, Please see #1.
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