Halloween Time

It’s a bag of candy filled with bubble gum that smells like cocoa and mini chocolate bars that taste a little like bubble gum. It’s pumpkin seeds that may have been cooked too long but you eat them anyway because no one really knows the exact recipe. It’s admiring Cristy’s mad pumpkin carving skills. It’s candy corn for those of us who love candy corn (more for me if you don’t.) It’s the smell of crunchy leaves and the last lawn clippings of the year. It’s planning on buying articles of clothing for this year’s costume that would never be part of your normal wardrobe. It’s memories of Halloween parades and candy trades with old Anchorage School friends. It’s admiring my friends and family’s costume creativity. It’s scary movie marathons with my favorite girl. It’s decorations that remind me of Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party, which remind me of the Haunted Mansion, the Headless Horseman, and Trick or Treating in the Magic Kingdom. It’s realizing that I am old enough to Trick or Treat again with nieces and nephews and also that I am past the point of pretending that drunken adult Halloween parties could possibly replace the joy of collecting candy from strangers for hours on end. It’s sweatshirts for football and warm drinks that smell like cinnamon. It’s my favorite time of the year.

Stolen Chickens

Like so many of us kids in my generation (hahaha, let’s pretend we are still the “kids,” right?) I am concerned about the poisonous chemicals in our food and the torturous way our animal (turned meat or eggs)  food is raised.  It is a simple concept, chemicals and tortured animals are bad for our bodies, our planet and our souls.  So a year or so ago when my Brother in Law and his family invested in a flock of chickens for their yard, it made me think.  Initially I thought: “Birds must be a pest.” Because have you seen the movie ‘The Birds?!’  Birds must be gross, they must make noise, they must peck at stuff like my eyes and most importantly…my dogs love to eat chicken.   However, after further inspection, his chickens were none of those things AND his dogs didn’t eat them up.  In fact, those chickens were fascinating. 

Chickens will let small children pick them up!  They will come flying across the yard when you call them for treats like some kind of tiny, clumsy, velociraptor! They make for a wonderful teaching tool for children who have no idea that the chicken they eat is a real animal they can pet!  Hens make eggs and lay them with no need for a rooster which is totally hip because it’s pretty gay!  What a lesson.

We were hooked and our hens Lillian and Peanut were so easy to adopt and care for that we immediately wondered why we hadn’t always had chickens.  Feed, water, safe coop and free range space is about all they need.  Hens make little noise and they eat much of your veggie/fruit food scrap that would have ended up in the trash (ex. melon rinds, wilted lettuce, shriveled tomatoes, peas, banana ends, zucchini seeds and those tiny pieces of corn that you just can’t get off of the cob.)

We thought we researched but apparently we did not find the right spot in our city ordinance which states that chickens and other “agricultural animals” are not allowed since they “spread disease” and most folks in Dayton, Ky live in homes with small yards.  So after about a year one of our “neighbors” decided our hens were cluck cluck clucking too loud, or were too feathery, or were actual real velociraptors, or were too lesbian, or whatever.  But someone called the cops on my chickens.  We will call him Ass Hole Neighbor.

Our Animal Control officer was very nice and gave us a week to move them (since if it had been a pit bull breed-like dog she would have to remove it to a shelter immediately.)  And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous habit of assigning death sentences to dogs because they have a certain “look” to them.

I came home tonight and went to sit outside with my girls for one of our last visits. While entertaining them and crying about it all, I noticed Ass Hole Neighbor in his yard watering his Venus fly traps and feeding his man-eating poison ivy garden.  He heard my sobs and literally threw the hose down and ran inside like “oh lord, I didn’t know the lesbians had feelings!”

I have a lot on my plate right now and can’t fight it just yet, so our pretty chickens are going to live with a friend who lives close by.  I can go and visit our girls, bring them their favorite treats (cherry tomatoes, grapes and meal worms,) and my nephew can continue to gather dried bugs for them at his home like he likes to do.  After a big project is in the bag my next major project is tackling local city ordinance bans on chickens.  These bans are worthless, silly and they push away young (ok youngish, in my case) families who want to raise as much of their own food as possible.  We don’t want our eggs coming from chickens who are packed in tiny cages with no ability to move, peck, flap their wings, dig for bugs, or really do ANY thing that is natural for a chicken.  We want to eat responsible food and not pay $6 per dozen eggs to do it.  New York City residents can have chickens. Homes don't get any more close than New York so Dayton residents can deal with some cluck, clucking.

Disclaimer: My mom is afraid that Ass Hole Neighbor will read my posts, figure out I am talking about him, and then attack or somehow shoot myself and/or Cristy.  So if you are reading this, then you are definitely NOT “Ass Hole Neighbor.”

Caitlyn

So I found out today that Caitlyn Jenner is receiving an ESPY award.  I didn’t find out through CNN or by talking to my LGBT friends about Caitlyn’s beautiful transformation which is the latest chapter in advancements for LGBT Americans.  Nope, I found out through social media, unfortunately.  Unfortunately I had to read a hundred anti-trans comments made by friends and friends of friends because they are upset that Caitlyn won the award over others.  Most notably they are upset about the perceived snub by ESPN to the sweet Lauren Hill, a local hero after her brave battle with cancer.  I wish that Caitlyn hadn’t won the award.  Not because I think that she didn’t deserve it.  It isn’t my call.  I don’t know why ESPN chose Caitlyn.  I would like to think it is because her story has been a catalyst for the gargantuan advancement in understanding of the struggles of transgender people.  I would like to think that the award recognizes that people like Caitlyn provide hope for thousands of transgender children and teens across the country that all too often gravitate towards suicide or life-long seclusion from loved ones rather than becoming their true selves.  Perhaps they chose her as someone who represents that our heroes, whether they be athletes, actors, soldiers or government leaders have their own lives and their own struggles.  Because to people in my parent’s generation Bruce Jenner was an Olympic hero who earned an amazing athletic achievement for the US Olympic Team.  Unfortunately they probably chose her because it will mean higher ratings for the ESPY awards.  But for whatever reason they picked her, I wish they hadn’t because it has opened Caitlyn’s story up to additional criticism, jokes, anger, and horribly sad transphobia.  People who were teetering on the edge of hate now have a reason to spew it all over the internet.  

I am certainly not saying that my friends/people who think Lauren should have won the award over Caitlyn are hateful or transphobic at all, but that many who feel that way have become hateful to try to make their point.

There has been additional talk and dozens of memes posted to the effect of “Caitlyn is not a hero, our brave men and women serving in the military are heroes.”  This makes no sense, there are many varieties of heroes and mine might be different from yours.  While one could argue that US soldiers would fall on everyone’s list, Caitlyn IS on some people’s lists.  For example, the Leelah Alcorn’s of the world, who are desperately seeking some hope for their future.  Caitlyn would have been a hero to her because Caitlyn’s presence and visibility might have saved her life.  Are we only allowed to reserve the terms “brave” and “hero” for those who are in the military?  That would be like if a church was recognizing a member of its congregation for exceptional Christian community service but people stood up in the pews and were like “boo, she doesn’t deserve it, she’s not a NUN!!!”  Lauren Hill has been a hero to dozens of children and families who are facing the horrible battle with childhood cancer.  She didn’t put on camouflage and stare down the enemy, but she is brave, just the same.  Again, it isn’t my place to decide who won this award, but I understand why she is a hero to so many!

While you might not personally know someone who is Transgender, if you are reading this then you know at least one gay person, and gay Americans deal with many of the same rejections and fears as Transgender people do so we sometimes share the same heroes.  Remember that your experiences and opinions are your own and everyone’s are different.   The more we understand that, the more our world is able to become a better place for everyone.  

Credit Card Exam

As you may or may not know, I work in a specialist unit in the Call Center for a bank in the Northern Kentucky area.  My coworkers and I frequently lament the credit application process.  I do understand the business needs of checking things like FICO scores, fraud notifications and credit bureau information matches.  However if we had our way we would like to add our own “test” to the process.  It would look something like this:

1.)    Sally neglected to read the Terms and Conditions when she bought “Bohemian Butt Lift Cream and Gel Kit.” Since she did not read them, Sally does not have to abide by the Terms and Conditions.

True or False?

2.)    Joe participates in a transaction with “Junk In The Trunk” auto repair shop.  Joe provides his credit card number to "Junk In The Trunk" for this transaction.  Who is responsible for the fact that the charge then appears on Joe’s credit card statement? 

a.       Joe

b.      Joe’s Credit Card Company

c.       The call center customer service representative (let’s call her “Ann” ) at Joe’s credit card company.

3.)    Francis’ due date on her credit card is 9/15/14.  What is the very last date that Francis can pay her minimum due on that credit card without receiving a late fee?

a.       9/13/14

b.      9/15/14

c.       It doesn’t matter because Francis has been with the bank/store for 135 years

d.      9/16/14

e.      Whenever Francis remembers to pay

4.)    5+5=

a.       5

b.      10

c.       0

d.      It doesn’t matter, I’m not paying this bill, I am calling MY LAWYER!!

5.)    Horace sees a Free Trial offer on his TV and or Internet.  This offer is truly free and he doesn’t need to cancel it or return it within a certain time frame in order to avoid further charges.  SO MANY THINGS ARE FREE!!!!

True or False?

6.)    Being a belligerent screaming ass hole gets you further than being patient and understanding.

True or False?

7.)    Jack Sparrow buys a boat online and pays for it with his credit card rather than with cash.  That boat is going to be delivered to his dock within 45 days.  The charge should appear on his credit card statement:

a.       The day Jack’s boat docks in 45 days 

b.      The day Jack first purchases the boat (like if he had paid cash, see?)

c.       The day Jack first sails the boat

d.      The day Jack first drinks rum on his boat, provided it is a sunny day

8.)    Ralphie has a charge on his card that he doesn’t think is his.  The merchant is in his home town, it is at a merchant he usually shops with and it transacted on a day he was visiting that store.  However, Ralphie doesn’t ever use THIS credit card at THAT store and he states there is no way he would make a mistake and use the wrong card.  Ralphie did not make that charge.

True or False?

 

 

 

 

Sammy Cat

It’s strange how the loss of one pet out of three creates such a startling difference and sense of emptiness in a house.  I am familiar with grief and I know that for me it comes in waves of memories which trigger quick smiles, followed by regret and pain.  So I am so NOT looking forward to waking up in the morning and having to remember that Sammy isn’t here.  One of the worst parts of grief is the illusion of contentment that sleep provides.  But tonight I realized there is an actual task that has been keeping me from sleep: I found myself desperate to remember everything about Sammy so that I didn’t forget.  As usual, writing about it allowed me some small release. So, here are some things that I want to remember about my friend:

1.      When Sammy slept on my back (which was most nights) and I needed to roll over, I would move a tiny bit to warn her.  Then she would stand, and I would slowly roll while she barrel walked until I repositioned. Then she would settle back in.

2.      She didn’t like to drink out of a cup if it was too deep, so she would dip her paw into the cup and lick, and then repeat.  “Dip and lick.” A move similar to the “bend and snap.”

3.      She would sit on my lap and purr and purr but then suddenly bite my elbow for no reason.

4.      If you walked in a room and she thought you might not see her, she would go “pprraww!”  Which translates to “I’m here, see me!”

5.      She liked to bite plastic, usually a zip lock bag or the shower curtain.  She didn’t eat it, but she would just puncture a gazillion holes in it with her teeth.

6.      If you were holding her or if she was sleeping on your chest, she would like to put her paw over your mouth.  I think this was some kind of ownership/dominance ritual.

7.      We would “scoop” her, and she would tolerate it only for a short period of time, but you never know how long.  She would start going “mah” when she was over it.

8.      Sometimes she would like for me to hold her paw, like we were holding hands, and it made her purr.

9.      Sammy tolerated her way through many of my breakups, but she seemed to echo my  own feelings when she adopted Cristy as her official second human.   Over anyone else, Sammy, like me, felt Cristy was a permanent match.

I have two crushing regrets [despite my beloved RENT telling me "forget regret"] in my mind. One is that I didn't fully appreciate that petting a demanding Sammy was more important than playing games on my phone.  And secondly that I didn't set aside my own selfishness and go back to the room with Sammy during her last moments.  I wish I had been more brave so that I could have given her some final comfort, but I did not want to remember her that way.  Cherish your loved ones, pets, family, children and anyone or anything that makes you happy.  Everything in our lives is ever changing and nothing is guaranteed.  But I am comforted knowing that I am happy Sammy was a part of my life; I would rather have known her and lost her, than never known her at all.   

Idina and Jack

The reason I have no one to blame but myself that I didn’t meet Idina Menzel:

A few years ago my mother came to Cincinnati to distract herself from the fact that my sister might never ever go into labor with my mother’s first grandchild.  The best possible distraction was of course Idina singing with the Cincinnati Pops at the Cincinnati Music Hall.  I knew there were tickets left and I also knew I didn’t want to go alone so Mom drove on up and agreed to let me attempt to get those tickets.  And I’ll be damned if we didn’t get some awesome seats on the edge of the theater where I was in full waving view.  By which I mean I waved at that woman and shot “look at me, I love you” power stares at her throughout the entire concert. 

We were about ¾ of the way into the concert but only ¼ of the way into Idina’s amazing performance of all the best songs that ever were, when we received the text that Meg was in labor with sweet Jack.  Now, I expected Mom to up and bail and maybe even leave me there to brave the Cincinnati Taxi Cabs alone.  However, to my surprise when I asked her if we were leaving, like a kid asking if they have to leave McDonalds Playground, she said, “no, we will stay.”

What?! I could remain in my amazing seat and I could listen to Idina’s voice and look at her for the rest of the concert!  It was beautiful and epic, and to make you feel better about this story we didn’t miss any of the birth and in fact had to wait about 12 hours for any birthing.

So, the self hating “I could have had it” moment happened right after the concert.  We fast walked to our car and then drove mom’s Prius in a circle around the Music Hall following the one way streets. Concurrently we both noticed a crowd of about 25 people waiting at the stage door behind the building. They were waiting for Idina.  Mom looked at them as we sat at the stop light, and I could see the conflict in her eyes.  She asked “there is probably time, do you want to go meet her?”  This was an easy decision, Mom wanted to go to that baby, and I wanted to go to my sister and my nephew.  I looked at her and said: “It’s ok, Mom, let’s go.  And we did.  We were there early and slept in the waiting room and didn’t have to worry we might miss it.

I will never actually regret that decision, because I was with my family in an important moment.  To quote Rent:

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today."

 

My Agenda

The latest in poor innocent TV stars who have lost their jobs or been reprimanded for anti-gay speech is the HGTV Benham brother duo.  My favorite part of their story is that they seem to have finally realized and publicized that they don't have a "Free Speech" argument to win, however they have taken off and run with the "Gay Agenda" one.  That phrase, "agenda," gets tossed around like its a "regime" or "cult" kind of word.  However I feel perfectly comfortable if someone says I have an "agenda."  Yes, it is on my agenda to ensure my family is not discriminated against.  It is a dream of mine that one day people won't choose a single passage out of a centuries old book and use it to say that I am somehow immoral.  My "agenda" is just that, mine.  Everyone has an agenda.  And everyone has a right to their opinion.   But as the common agenda of anti-homophobia becomes a powerful force in this country, and since our country is a capitalist one, companies are naturally going to attempt to appeal to the majority.  I am sorry that "religious" anti-gay Americans now find themselves in the minority and feel sad about it, but a corner has been turned.  Martin Luther King had an "agenda," and while still not fully realized it was powerful and beautiful. 2 years ago Cristy and I discussed that we would probably not see same-sex marriage in our state until we were very old.  Today it is just around the corner!  No one is entitled to a TV show, just as if I were to walk around my office calling people immoral or sinful I would not be entitled to my job any longer.  So, I say, go make yourself an agenda!  And I hope it doesn't include "judging people even though my religion specifically tells me not to do that."