I would like to formally propose the elimination of panty hose as a fashion option. I myself have not worn panty hose since I was forced to in a wedding or something similar about 10 years ago. That is a long time to go without them and I am confident that my legs are grateful.
What in the heck is up with Panty Hose any way? In England they have two terms for form fitting leg wear. Tights or Leggings. I assume this is because the British are cooler and more forward thinking regarding fashion and the like and thus have foreseen the ridiculous nature of panty hose. In the U.S. however we retain the distinction of all three options, and I want the garment in question removed from shelves. Useless, flimsy, uncomfortable, unflattering (evidenced by muffin tops everywhere) and itchy; panty hose were my nemesis long before I determined that due to a lack of skirts in my wardrobe I could do without.
Technically it is someone’s choice whether they wear panty hose or not but can’t it be like with guns? You can conceal it underneath pants or a long skirt so that it is not offensive and I won’t be frightened by its existence. There are really plenty of alternatives: socks, tights, leggings, pants, or even…gasp…BARE legs. This is 2011 and I think that there are about 5 women left in the country who would be shocked by bare legs, and they probably can’t see to tell the difference anyway. Good rule of thumb, if your fashion item (something that can be plainly seen as part of your outfit) can be replaced at Walgreen’s then it needs to cease to be a part of your wardrobe… yesterday.
I have researched the following health risks associated with Panty Hose: Urinary tract infections, bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, heat exhaustion, eczema and rashes. That’s nasty, and further proof that stretchy leg prisons are evil.
If you have recently either purchased a large amount of panty hose or bought stock in Legg’s then may I suggest the following uses for Panty Hose:
Fishing nets
Cheese Cloth
Ipad protector
Dog poop baggies
Hand puppets (there are many colors of hose so you could have a culturally diverse collection!)
Tourniquet
Sling shot
Be creative and have fun. Just remember that panty hose are the corset of the 21st century and it is time to move on ladies!! We can consciously make the decision now and look forward to enlightening little girls about the former joys of clear nail polish to stop a “run” and bare toes stuck through the end of a ruined pair. They will thank us and please remind them that it all started here!!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Imagination Gets the Best of Me
Today I had an appointment scheduled with a guy we will call John. John was to be here at 3:00 to discuss the programs and tour the college. Anyone familiar with Admissions or my job will not be surprised to hear that John did not show up for said appointment. Shocking…I know.
John was supposed to bring his wife with him to the appointment. This morning when I called to confirm the appointment the wife told me he was sleeping but that she would deliver the message. When I called to find out why he did not come to the appointment she answered again. She told me that he left home and told her he was headed to an appointment.
I immediately assumed that he must be an alcoholic. John was going out to drink on a dirty bar stool and flirt with women with big hair and leathery cleavage in a smoky hole in the wall and he used this appointment he had created as the perfect excuse to give to his wife.
I realized later that it didn’t even occur to me that he was on his way to this appointment, was in some terrible accident and is now in the hospital. This is the kind of thing I would have considered a couple of years ago…now I create the alcoholic liar scenario or one similar.
That is a really sad reflection on my trust factor these days. This job coupled with my previous relationship which ended in a tangled web of convoluted unbelievable fantasy type lies (I think I remember something about Voldomort and Ringwraiths) have rendered me unable to accept simple excuses as the truth.
I think that I need my faith restored. Someone needs to let me down…cancel plans with me to go instead to your granny’s birthday and then let me randomly find a picture of you on Facebook digitally dated the day in question with you and Granny in a birthday cake fight! Something like this could restore my faith in all humanity!!!
I also have noticed that for quite a while now I will create a fictional scenario in my brain following a set of real events. For example, I could see a man in a restaurant staring at Cristy and I and then he will look away. Then I imagine that when I walk by he trips me, then I get up and ask him what his problem is, he yells “dyke” in my face, shoves me again, causing me to bump into the table behind me, reinjuring my tailbone, at which point Cristy comes up and pops in him the nose, he bleeds all over the waitress who is trying to help. More mass hysteria follows and before you know it Cristy is in Jail.
What just happened there? Does anyone else do this or is it just me? All that never happened but I am certain that I ended up giving that man dirty looks the rest of the evening across the BW3’s. Poor guy didn’t even do anything.
I believe that all of this stems from an over active imagination fueled by a few negative experiences which have stuck with me. Fortunately the positive experiences stick, too so I do tend to generally approach life with a smile. Just make sure you smile back or I will assume that you are angry with me because my ex called you and told you that I said something that I didn’t say so that you will be mad at me and now you are going to shun me until the end of days…..Wait..that didn’t happen, either. Phew
John was supposed to bring his wife with him to the appointment. This morning when I called to confirm the appointment the wife told me he was sleeping but that she would deliver the message. When I called to find out why he did not come to the appointment she answered again. She told me that he left home and told her he was headed to an appointment.
I immediately assumed that he must be an alcoholic. John was going out to drink on a dirty bar stool and flirt with women with big hair and leathery cleavage in a smoky hole in the wall and he used this appointment he had created as the perfect excuse to give to his wife.
I realized later that it didn’t even occur to me that he was on his way to this appointment, was in some terrible accident and is now in the hospital. This is the kind of thing I would have considered a couple of years ago…now I create the alcoholic liar scenario or one similar.
That is a really sad reflection on my trust factor these days. This job coupled with my previous relationship which ended in a tangled web of convoluted unbelievable fantasy type lies (I think I remember something about Voldomort and Ringwraiths) have rendered me unable to accept simple excuses as the truth.
I think that I need my faith restored. Someone needs to let me down…cancel plans with me to go instead to your granny’s birthday and then let me randomly find a picture of you on Facebook digitally dated the day in question with you and Granny in a birthday cake fight! Something like this could restore my faith in all humanity!!!
I also have noticed that for quite a while now I will create a fictional scenario in my brain following a set of real events. For example, I could see a man in a restaurant staring at Cristy and I and then he will look away. Then I imagine that when I walk by he trips me, then I get up and ask him what his problem is, he yells “dyke” in my face, shoves me again, causing me to bump into the table behind me, reinjuring my tailbone, at which point Cristy comes up and pops in him the nose, he bleeds all over the waitress who is trying to help. More mass hysteria follows and before you know it Cristy is in Jail.
What just happened there? Does anyone else do this or is it just me? All that never happened but I am certain that I ended up giving that man dirty looks the rest of the evening across the BW3’s. Poor guy didn’t even do anything.
I believe that all of this stems from an over active imagination fueled by a few negative experiences which have stuck with me. Fortunately the positive experiences stick, too so I do tend to generally approach life with a smile. Just make sure you smile back or I will assume that you are angry with me because my ex called you and told you that I said something that I didn’t say so that you will be mad at me and now you are going to shun me until the end of days…..Wait..that didn’t happen, either. Phew
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