The Demise of Panty Hose

I would like to formally propose the elimination of panty hose as a fashion option. I myself have not worn panty hose since I was forced to in a wedding or something similar about 10 years ago. That is a long time to go without them and I am confident that my legs are grateful.

What in the heck is up with Panty Hose any way? In England they have two terms for form fitting leg wear. Tights or Leggings. I assume this is because the British are cooler and more forward thinking regarding fashion and the like and thus have foreseen the ridiculous nature of panty hose. In the U.S. however we retain the distinction of all three options, and I want the garment in question removed from shelves. Useless, flimsy, uncomfortable, unflattering (evidenced by muffin tops everywhere) and itchy; panty hose were my nemesis long before I determined that due to a lack of skirts in my wardrobe I could do without.

Technically it is someone’s choice whether they wear panty hose or not but can’t it be like with guns? You can conceal it underneath pants or a long skirt so that it is not offensive and I won’t be frightened by its existence. There are really plenty of alternatives: socks, tights, leggings, pants, or even…gasp…BARE legs. This is 2011 and I think that there are about 5 women left in the country who would be shocked by bare legs, and they probably can’t see to tell the difference anyway. Good rule of thumb, if your fashion item (something that can be plainly seen as part of your outfit) can be replaced at Walgreen’s then it needs to cease to be a part of your wardrobe… yesterday.

I have researched the following health risks associated with Panty Hose: Urinary tract infections, bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, heat exhaustion, eczema and rashes. That’s nasty, and further proof that stretchy leg prisons are evil.

If you have recently either purchased a large amount of panty hose or bought stock in Legg’s then may I suggest the following uses for Panty Hose:

Fishing nets
Cheese Cloth
Ipad protector
Dog poop baggies
Hand puppets (there are many colors of hose so you could have a culturally diverse collection!)
Tourniquet
Sling shot

Be creative and have fun. Just remember that panty hose are the corset of the 21st century and it is time to move on ladies!! We can consciously make the decision now and look forward to enlightening little girls about the former joys of clear nail polish to stop a “run” and bare toes stuck through the end of a ruined pair. They will thank us and please remind them that it all started here!!