Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year, and while my parents are always very good to me at Christmas Time and throughout the year, there are a few things that they have not been able to find. So I was hoping that in return for my position at the top of the Nice list you would be able to grant me the following wishes:

1.) The first one is an easy one, I want none of my appliances to ever break or become obsolete ever again. Don’t worry, Santa, the requests get more and more reasonable down the list.

2.) I need a way to have a child without paying thousands of dollars up front, but I am cool with the after pregnancy costs. More specifically, I would like a guy friend who is not very attached to his sperm.

3.) Please have people stop making baby’s pictures their profile picture. It is confusing because most of those babies look similar and I can’t tell who is who. Plus it is very disturbing to see a baby’s innocent face next to “wishes the f*cking traffic on Nicholasville road would G*d D*mn clear up and everyone would go the h*ll home!”

4.) Repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

5.) Disney World Season Pass and a Disney Vacation Club Membership. I guess I can front the plane tickets.

6.) Please de-scent all of my coworkers lunches so that I don’t have to smell things that offend me (like tuna) or things that make me hungry when I was doing just fine with my sandwich and apple (like Pizza.)

7.) Never Ending Toilet Paper Rolls for each bathroom.

8.) Gift Certificates to each of my favorite restaurants, alphabetized and organized into days of the week that I enjoy eating there.

9.) Make Cristy’s Diabetes go away.

10.) Helicopter so that I can go see Jack whenever I want. That means that Meg and Mike will need a landing pad in their back yard…so that, too.

11.) Vegan cheese that tastes like cheese

12.) After you drop off all of these gifts on Christmas Morning, please leave an elf behind to box up my decorations, roll up the lights, carry everything down to the garage, reorganize said garage, and take my dog out to pee before he leaves.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!