Thanks to the abundance of rude people I have encountered lately in the Tri-State area, I have composed a short list of guidelines for people who wish to be considerate.
1. Your time is less important than other people’s time.
2. It is your fault that you don’t possess the ability to read minds of other drivers. If someone wants to come over in your lane and doesn’t signal, use Jedi Mind Reading tricks to sense it and yield. Otherwise you will irritate them.
3. Always yield to anyone else in the grocery. You are invisible and they are likely under the reasonable impression that they are the only person in the store.
4. Other people don’t make mistakes driving, only you do. That belligerent red neck honking his horn and waving fingers at you is a perfect driver so you should understand his frustration with your incompetence.
5. It is a scientific fact that the line you are standing in will move faster if the person behind you stands on your heals and breathes down your neck, so deal with it. Additionally, if you are not panicking because you fear you are not putting your wallet away and moving from the register quickly enough, then you really aren’t all that considerate.
6. Four-way stops indicate that one should stop then go right away, however YOU must wait until all others have vacated the intersection.
7. If someone’s car music or motorcycle is too loud for your ears then buy earplugs and wear them whenever you are out of your home. Or even wear them at home if you find your neighbors dog barks through the night.
8. If a person is drunk then they are not responsible for their own actions, thus if they step on your foot, puke on your leg or grab your girlfriend’s boob then just shake it off and buy them another beer.
9. You are not permitted to park in the fire lane at the Grocery store but other people are. For explanation please see #1.
10. Even if the reason you are on the highway on-ramp is because you would like to merge onto the highway, allow the person behind you to merge before you so that they can zoom past you before you attempt to enter, even if it means driving in the emergency lane for a while. Again, Please see #1.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
“Cancellation Specialists”
I fully understand that I am in sales and that I use classic sales tactics and training to better assist my students in making their school decision. I get it, I am a sales person. But I really hope that I am nothing like the cheesy AT&T sales person who just tried to pull one over on me.
I have had an unused second line on my cell phone plan for roughly 4 years. The phone companies are genius (on a side note does it mean that I am not one since I always misspell the word “genius?”) They set it up so that you get a discounted new phone every year, but only if you renew your contract for another year. Works well for me because I have been with AT&T for about 9 years, however when you add a second line for someone you are dating, not so brilliant.
Now that it is August my second line is finally able to be cancelled without a penalty and I am super pumped to have a lower cell phone bill. I was happily pondering the reduced amount as I jumped on AT&T’s website to find the customer service number. That was when this experience started to turn ugly. For Sales, click here. For Sales regarding your bill regarding your cell service on Jupiter, click here. Type in your password for online access…access denied. Seriously? I was thinking to myself that I really just want to talk to someone but the website phone number hunt was nothing compared to what happened when I actually found the number (not sure how it just popped up when I accidentally clicked somewhere that wasn’t what I thought I needed.)
The first person who attempted to “assist” me told me that I am not being charged for a second line. I was very disappointed because I was looking forward to that lower cell phone bill but I thanked him and hung up, only to look up my bill online and find that indeed I was being charged every month for that extra line. Thanks, sir. Of course I had already closed the magical portal to the customer service number so I had to rediscover it (again, no clue where it is if you are experiencing a similar issue.)
The second time I called I was passed around to three different people who all asked me the same questions in three different ways until I was finally on the phone with the Cancellation Specialist, i.e. Sales Person. His falsely chipper over annunciated sales voice thanked me for my patience and I immediately lost all patience with him and the whole situation.
“And who am I speaking with today?” He asked.
“Ann London.” I mean, who else would it be? At this point I have told them my name, address, phone number, social security number, pass code and number of freckles 10 times already.
“Alright Miss London, I understand that you want to cancel the second line on your phone plan, now tell me, what’s going on with you?” And his voice dropped into fake concerned “I’m here to help you” guy tone.
“You want to hear my whole life story? Ok, well I had a girlfriend and she joined my phone plan so that we could save money. Well we broke up because she was crazy and I tried to cancel the line then but she had just received a brand new phone so I kept the line inactive until I was able to cancel it without a penalty the size of my mortgage payment. About that time, girlfriend number two and I were cohabitating so she took over the second line, again so that we could both save money. ‘Both save money’ in both instances meant that I paid while the girlfriend in question saved money by not paying at all. Second girlfriend ditched her AT&T line when she didn’t want me to catch on that she was texting her new ‘friend’ 23.5 hours out of the day. Second girlfriend is now sleeping with her ‘friend’ and I will never share a line with someone again. So now I have had this line for 4 years and I want it gone…immediately.”
I am assuming that this situation is not in Cancellation Specialist’s training manual so he was quiet for a second. But he was a determined little sales guy, probably new, so he asked me if my ex wanted to keep the line and have it transferred to her. I told him I didn’t know he would have to call her himself, since I don’t care whether she has a place to live, much less a phone.
This is when I started to break him down and I could almost feel him wondering where he had gone wrong during his sales pitch. He switched directions and asked me if I had a laptop, presumably to sell me overpriced internet service.
“No.”
Denied again. I had demoted him to Customer Service Representative at this point, and he begrudgingly cancelled the line, and amazingly was able to change my rate plan so that I am saving $20 per month on my cell phone bill. I pointed the savings out to him before we said our goodbyes and he muttered “yeah.” I was able to get him to do the opposite of his intentions and he loathed me for it.
Long story short, don’t share phone plans with people unless they also sign their soul to you in writing as a good faith deposit. Secondly, always be prepared for Cancellation Specialists and their crappy sales training. You can come out on top without pulling a Chandler Bing and being forced to shout “I wanna quit the gym!!”
I have had an unused second line on my cell phone plan for roughly 4 years. The phone companies are genius (on a side note does it mean that I am not one since I always misspell the word “genius?”) They set it up so that you get a discounted new phone every year, but only if you renew your contract for another year. Works well for me because I have been with AT&T for about 9 years, however when you add a second line for someone you are dating, not so brilliant.
Now that it is August my second line is finally able to be cancelled without a penalty and I am super pumped to have a lower cell phone bill. I was happily pondering the reduced amount as I jumped on AT&T’s website to find the customer service number. That was when this experience started to turn ugly. For Sales, click here. For Sales regarding your bill regarding your cell service on Jupiter, click here. Type in your password for online access…access denied. Seriously? I was thinking to myself that I really just want to talk to someone but the website phone number hunt was nothing compared to what happened when I actually found the number (not sure how it just popped up when I accidentally clicked somewhere that wasn’t what I thought I needed.)
The first person who attempted to “assist” me told me that I am not being charged for a second line. I was very disappointed because I was looking forward to that lower cell phone bill but I thanked him and hung up, only to look up my bill online and find that indeed I was being charged every month for that extra line. Thanks, sir. Of course I had already closed the magical portal to the customer service number so I had to rediscover it (again, no clue where it is if you are experiencing a similar issue.)
The second time I called I was passed around to three different people who all asked me the same questions in three different ways until I was finally on the phone with the Cancellation Specialist, i.e. Sales Person. His falsely chipper over annunciated sales voice thanked me for my patience and I immediately lost all patience with him and the whole situation.
“And who am I speaking with today?” He asked.
“Ann London.” I mean, who else would it be? At this point I have told them my name, address, phone number, social security number, pass code and number of freckles 10 times already.
“Alright Miss London, I understand that you want to cancel the second line on your phone plan, now tell me, what’s going on with you?” And his voice dropped into fake concerned “I’m here to help you” guy tone.
“You want to hear my whole life story? Ok, well I had a girlfriend and she joined my phone plan so that we could save money. Well we broke up because she was crazy and I tried to cancel the line then but she had just received a brand new phone so I kept the line inactive until I was able to cancel it without a penalty the size of my mortgage payment. About that time, girlfriend number two and I were cohabitating so she took over the second line, again so that we could both save money. ‘Both save money’ in both instances meant that I paid while the girlfriend in question saved money by not paying at all. Second girlfriend ditched her AT&T line when she didn’t want me to catch on that she was texting her new ‘friend’ 23.5 hours out of the day. Second girlfriend is now sleeping with her ‘friend’ and I will never share a line with someone again. So now I have had this line for 4 years and I want it gone…immediately.”
I am assuming that this situation is not in Cancellation Specialist’s training manual so he was quiet for a second. But he was a determined little sales guy, probably new, so he asked me if my ex wanted to keep the line and have it transferred to her. I told him I didn’t know he would have to call her himself, since I don’t care whether she has a place to live, much less a phone.
This is when I started to break him down and I could almost feel him wondering where he had gone wrong during his sales pitch. He switched directions and asked me if I had a laptop, presumably to sell me overpriced internet service.
“No.”
Denied again. I had demoted him to Customer Service Representative at this point, and he begrudgingly cancelled the line, and amazingly was able to change my rate plan so that I am saving $20 per month on my cell phone bill. I pointed the savings out to him before we said our goodbyes and he muttered “yeah.” I was able to get him to do the opposite of his intentions and he loathed me for it.
Long story short, don’t share phone plans with people unless they also sign their soul to you in writing as a good faith deposit. Secondly, always be prepared for Cancellation Specialists and their crappy sales training. You can come out on top without pulling a Chandler Bing and being forced to shout “I wanna quit the gym!!”
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Disney Freak Discusses Disneyness
There was an article in my AllEars Newsletter this week regarding “Disney Hooks.” Things that keep you going back to Disney and also let you know that you have arrived in the most Magical World on the planet. To me those are two completely different things, so I will cover that more, later. I have been asked and teased so many times about my persistence in going back to Walt Disney World somewhat obsessively every year that I finally feel the need to try to justify my vacation planning redundancy. And also, who am I kidding, I love a chance to discuss all things Mickey.
There are first and foremost those moments where I realize that all my planning, packing and dreaming is at an end and I am actually, physically in Walt Disney World. I will flat out admit that before a Disney vacation I have recurring nightmares that I can’t find my tickets, or my favorite rides are all closed, or the entire park has been mysteriously removed by a giant alien’s laser gun. So once I arrive and I realize that every thing is as it should be and the forecast is not monsoons for the entire week then I feel utterly relieved and ecstatic.
One of the first of these moments I experience every trip is the sighting of whatever large landmark comes across my field of vision first. This will cause me to gasp dramatically and shout “Look it’s the Insert giant Icon here!!!” Tower of Terror, Swan and Dolphin Hotel, Castle, Ball (as Epcot’s Spaceship Earth will always be nicknamed) all evoke the same reaction.
Another right of passage into a Disney Vacation is your first interaction with a Disney Cast Member. Always happy, knowing exactly what to say to make me smile, they are trained to be aware that at any time they could be someone’s first interaction and first impression of their vacation in The World. Whatever Happy Pills those people take, I want some to take home with me. It could possibly aid with the post-Mickey tantrums. One vacation I was tearing up, shoulders slumped over as I dragged my sad little luggage down the hallway. A cast member recognized the body language and gently reminded me that there will always be time for more Disney Vacations and she would look forward to seeing me again. I looked up at her, tears pouring out of my eyes and ordered her not to be so nice to me since it only made it harder to leave!
Speaking of the resorts, that leads me to another heart pounding “I have finally arrived moment.” Ever since we were kids, my Brother and Sister and I loved arriving at new hotel rooms. Perhaps it is because we had 30 new hotel rooms per 2 week vacation sometimes, but now when I arrive in a room that will be my home for a whole week I feel like I am moving into a new apartment. No matter how many times I have looked up the pictures online of my Disney Hotel’s accommodations, I will still feel that familiar pounding in my chest and the grin on my face as I “Insert Key Card Here” and woosh the door open to see my Disney digs. I usually rush to turn on the TV and watch the Disney Vacation Club or Disney Resort Welcome channels which seem to annoy everyone else but make me giggle inside.
At the end of a long day at Disney, sometimes a good time for the vacation to sink in is the bus ride back to the hotel. Sore feet, tired, full of yummy food and new Disney memories; I usually tuck a purchase under my feet and reflect on why I love this place so much. Usually there is a kid who by some miracle is still awake rather than draped lifeless across their parent’s lap and I ask them what their favorite thing was. One little girl told me that it used to be the Pirates however she enlightened me that Pirates are in actuality thieves so she had decided they weren’t cool anymore. Pulling into the hotel, the announcer will ask me to enjoy the rest of my stay at Walt Disney World and bid me “welcome home” to my resort.
And that leads me to the magical moments I experience on vacation that fill my heart every year and keep me coming back to visit the Mouse. There are too many to list (have I mentioned that I love this freakin’ place) but I have narrowed down a few of my favorites.
My all time favorite ride is Peter Pan’s Flight in the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasy Land. I love it for a million reasons including the fact that it is my favorite Disney movie, I adore the characters, the ride has been the same since I was a little girl and I love the feeling of flying over London and then Never Never Land. The moment when I arrive at the point in line when only a few other guests and the Disney Cast Member stand between me and the moving walkway, I always count people to try to figure out what color ship will carry me on my flight with Peter Pan this time. It is a ritual I have performed countless times and I feel just as I did when I was 8 years old.
A few steps away into the Liberty Square area of Magic Kingdom sits the Haunted Mansion. I simply can never get enough of this ride. They recently added a whole new room and when I found that out I felt as though someone told me my condo was getting another whole floor. Although if it did it wouldn’t have ghostly footsteps on the ceiling or moving staircases so it still wouldn’t be quite as exciting. When I am standing in the stretching room at the beginning of this ride while the “Ghost Host” attempts to scare the little ones and adults suffering from claustrophobia; that is a moment when I stand in the dark and can’t fight the huge smile that inevitably follows. I probably look like a creepy haunted freak, now that I think about it…
My favorite night time show at Disney World is by far Illuminations at Epcot. They start warning people to move to their selected viewing location early on in order to avoid people tromping all over each other in the dark. The best thing to do is to find a spot close to a beer cart, preferably in England’s outside beer garden, and plop down early to await the show. The beer combined with the Disney Magic start to build the excitement, and then when the lights finally dim, the fiery torches light and the announcer’s booming yet comforting voice waves over the entire park:
"Good evening, and welcome.We've gathered here tonight, around the fire, as people of all lands have gathered for thousands and thousandsof years before us, to share the light and to share a story an amazing story, as old as time itselfbut still being written.”
Ok, so maybe it sounds cheesy but it is pure Disney awesomeness. Seriously I want to meet the dude that does the voice for this announcement and tell him he is a huge part of my Disney experience.
There is a sweet girl named Cristy who will be drug by her hair, ok maybe just by her arm cause her hair is too short, all over Disney World and I will apologize before hand for all of the useless Disney information that she will ingest. However I absolutely love sharing this special place with people who are special to me, and I guarantee she will be forced to giggle many times when she sees me hug characters and wave my Mickey Ice Cream around like a 5 year old.
Well, either I have inspired you to drop what you are doing, call the travel agent, and book a Disney Vacation as soon as the funds are available, or you have simply used this blog to confirm what you already knew, that I am a huge Cartoon loving, Parade Character waving, Mouse hugging, Firework crying, child in an adults body, Disney Freak. Either way, I will be back there in April, come hell or Alien Laser (and I will have nightmares about both beginning weeks before hand.)
There are first and foremost those moments where I realize that all my planning, packing and dreaming is at an end and I am actually, physically in Walt Disney World. I will flat out admit that before a Disney vacation I have recurring nightmares that I can’t find my tickets, or my favorite rides are all closed, or the entire park has been mysteriously removed by a giant alien’s laser gun. So once I arrive and I realize that every thing is as it should be and the forecast is not monsoons for the entire week then I feel utterly relieved and ecstatic.
One of the first of these moments I experience every trip is the sighting of whatever large landmark comes across my field of vision first. This will cause me to gasp dramatically and shout “Look it’s the Insert giant Icon here!!!” Tower of Terror, Swan and Dolphin Hotel, Castle, Ball (as Epcot’s Spaceship Earth will always be nicknamed) all evoke the same reaction.
Another right of passage into a Disney Vacation is your first interaction with a Disney Cast Member. Always happy, knowing exactly what to say to make me smile, they are trained to be aware that at any time they could be someone’s first interaction and first impression of their vacation in The World. Whatever Happy Pills those people take, I want some to take home with me. It could possibly aid with the post-Mickey tantrums. One vacation I was tearing up, shoulders slumped over as I dragged my sad little luggage down the hallway. A cast member recognized the body language and gently reminded me that there will always be time for more Disney Vacations and she would look forward to seeing me again. I looked up at her, tears pouring out of my eyes and ordered her not to be so nice to me since it only made it harder to leave!
Speaking of the resorts, that leads me to another heart pounding “I have finally arrived moment.” Ever since we were kids, my Brother and Sister and I loved arriving at new hotel rooms. Perhaps it is because we had 30 new hotel rooms per 2 week vacation sometimes, but now when I arrive in a room that will be my home for a whole week I feel like I am moving into a new apartment. No matter how many times I have looked up the pictures online of my Disney Hotel’s accommodations, I will still feel that familiar pounding in my chest and the grin on my face as I “Insert Key Card Here” and woosh the door open to see my Disney digs. I usually rush to turn on the TV and watch the Disney Vacation Club or Disney Resort Welcome channels which seem to annoy everyone else but make me giggle inside.
At the end of a long day at Disney, sometimes a good time for the vacation to sink in is the bus ride back to the hotel. Sore feet, tired, full of yummy food and new Disney memories; I usually tuck a purchase under my feet and reflect on why I love this place so much. Usually there is a kid who by some miracle is still awake rather than draped lifeless across their parent’s lap and I ask them what their favorite thing was. One little girl told me that it used to be the Pirates however she enlightened me that Pirates are in actuality thieves so she had decided they weren’t cool anymore. Pulling into the hotel, the announcer will ask me to enjoy the rest of my stay at Walt Disney World and bid me “welcome home” to my resort.
And that leads me to the magical moments I experience on vacation that fill my heart every year and keep me coming back to visit the Mouse. There are too many to list (have I mentioned that I love this freakin’ place) but I have narrowed down a few of my favorites.
My all time favorite ride is Peter Pan’s Flight in the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasy Land. I love it for a million reasons including the fact that it is my favorite Disney movie, I adore the characters, the ride has been the same since I was a little girl and I love the feeling of flying over London and then Never Never Land. The moment when I arrive at the point in line when only a few other guests and the Disney Cast Member stand between me and the moving walkway, I always count people to try to figure out what color ship will carry me on my flight with Peter Pan this time. It is a ritual I have performed countless times and I feel just as I did when I was 8 years old.
A few steps away into the Liberty Square area of Magic Kingdom sits the Haunted Mansion. I simply can never get enough of this ride. They recently added a whole new room and when I found that out I felt as though someone told me my condo was getting another whole floor. Although if it did it wouldn’t have ghostly footsteps on the ceiling or moving staircases so it still wouldn’t be quite as exciting. When I am standing in the stretching room at the beginning of this ride while the “Ghost Host” attempts to scare the little ones and adults suffering from claustrophobia; that is a moment when I stand in the dark and can’t fight the huge smile that inevitably follows. I probably look like a creepy haunted freak, now that I think about it…
My favorite night time show at Disney World is by far Illuminations at Epcot. They start warning people to move to their selected viewing location early on in order to avoid people tromping all over each other in the dark. The best thing to do is to find a spot close to a beer cart, preferably in England’s outside beer garden, and plop down early to await the show. The beer combined with the Disney Magic start to build the excitement, and then when the lights finally dim, the fiery torches light and the announcer’s booming yet comforting voice waves over the entire park:
"Good evening, and welcome.We've gathered here tonight, around the fire, as people of all lands have gathered for thousands and thousandsof years before us, to share the light and to share a story an amazing story, as old as time itselfbut still being written.”
Ok, so maybe it sounds cheesy but it is pure Disney awesomeness. Seriously I want to meet the dude that does the voice for this announcement and tell him he is a huge part of my Disney experience.
There is a sweet girl named Cristy who will be drug by her hair, ok maybe just by her arm cause her hair is too short, all over Disney World and I will apologize before hand for all of the useless Disney information that she will ingest. However I absolutely love sharing this special place with people who are special to me, and I guarantee she will be forced to giggle many times when she sees me hug characters and wave my Mickey Ice Cream around like a 5 year old.
Well, either I have inspired you to drop what you are doing, call the travel agent, and book a Disney Vacation as soon as the funds are available, or you have simply used this blog to confirm what you already knew, that I am a huge Cartoon loving, Parade Character waving, Mouse hugging, Firework crying, child in an adults body, Disney Freak. Either way, I will be back there in April, come hell or Alien Laser (and I will have nightmares about both beginning weeks before hand.)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Donkeys
Donkeys
Today I didn’t have an idea for a blog, but knew that I wanted to write one (a common and uninteresting excuse for not writing, I know) so I used the oldest trick in the book – making someone else pick something for me. So I asked my coworker for an idea or something I could research. Her response?
“Donkeys, I like donkeys.”
Well, who doesn’t? And DeeAnne probably figured that I couldn’t say no to an animal topic, whether it be scorpions or a cute little donkey so here goes.
I actually feel a calling to own a little piece of land at some point so that I can provide home to various farm animals and pets coming from horrible situations all across the country. They can live out the rest of their lives forgetting that people are mean on my happy farm of love. Want to hug a pig? Come visit! Enjoy farm fresh eggs? I’ll have some for you! Want to cut off a chicken’s head and watch him run around and smack into things? Yeah, then find somewhere else.
But I think a donkey would be more than welcome, especially if he let me dress him up in dresses and bonnets and put lipstick on him like in Nanny McPhee. Or maybe he would talk like Donkey in Shreck and I could train him to go to other farms and recruit animals out of undesirable personal situations. My recruiting background lends me many questions I could have him ask them.
“Ppsst, hey goat, over here, it’s the donkey in the dress by the barbed wire. Is there anything you would change about your current situation? How long is your life expectancy on this farm? Tell me about your hopes and dreams, and do they involve branding and/or cattle prods?”
If he were able to get them to open up, I am confident that they would find my farm to be a much safer alternative which is free of barbed wire, and I would have a party of awesome animals on my hands in no time, flat.
Something that I have realized about donkeys, they must be extremely useful and super awesome, seeing as there are like a million names for them. Donkey, Ass, Jackass, Burro. Male ass is called a Jack, and female a Jenny, which seems more polite than “Ass.” Then if a Jack and a Mare get jiggy with it, they produce a Mule, and if a male horse accosts a Jenny she will give birth to a Hinny. Luckily for the female donkeys that doesn’t happen very often, which is why you don’t see many Hinny’s tromping around your local farms.
When donkeys were widely used as beasts of burden they would commonly follow their human companions without the use of a lead or rope. They are so loyal that they will carry all your crap for you and follow you into the Grand Canyon over and over again. That is dedication. If I strapped some beer and sandwiches to my dog Dakota, she would eat the sandwiches and then refuse to move until I unstrapped her, I am sure of it. However it might be worth a try.
Donkeys are basically just as cool and cute as zebras but they don’t have the stripes, or the distinction of being shouted last every time someone plays the alphabet game. When I have a donkey, or a pack of donkeys, which is called a Pace, then I will name one of them Zebra and just tell everyone he is a rare stripeless zebra from Africa. Unless he talks, then I will name him Recruiting Manager.
Today I didn’t have an idea for a blog, but knew that I wanted to write one (a common and uninteresting excuse for not writing, I know) so I used the oldest trick in the book – making someone else pick something for me. So I asked my coworker for an idea or something I could research. Her response?
“Donkeys, I like donkeys.”
Well, who doesn’t? And DeeAnne probably figured that I couldn’t say no to an animal topic, whether it be scorpions or a cute little donkey so here goes.
I actually feel a calling to own a little piece of land at some point so that I can provide home to various farm animals and pets coming from horrible situations all across the country. They can live out the rest of their lives forgetting that people are mean on my happy farm of love. Want to hug a pig? Come visit! Enjoy farm fresh eggs? I’ll have some for you! Want to cut off a chicken’s head and watch him run around and smack into things? Yeah, then find somewhere else.
But I think a donkey would be more than welcome, especially if he let me dress him up in dresses and bonnets and put lipstick on him like in Nanny McPhee. Or maybe he would talk like Donkey in Shreck and I could train him to go to other farms and recruit animals out of undesirable personal situations. My recruiting background lends me many questions I could have him ask them.
“Ppsst, hey goat, over here, it’s the donkey in the dress by the barbed wire. Is there anything you would change about your current situation? How long is your life expectancy on this farm? Tell me about your hopes and dreams, and do they involve branding and/or cattle prods?”
If he were able to get them to open up, I am confident that they would find my farm to be a much safer alternative which is free of barbed wire, and I would have a party of awesome animals on my hands in no time, flat.
Something that I have realized about donkeys, they must be extremely useful and super awesome, seeing as there are like a million names for them. Donkey, Ass, Jackass, Burro. Male ass is called a Jack, and female a Jenny, which seems more polite than “Ass.” Then if a Jack and a Mare get jiggy with it, they produce a Mule, and if a male horse accosts a Jenny she will give birth to a Hinny. Luckily for the female donkeys that doesn’t happen very often, which is why you don’t see many Hinny’s tromping around your local farms.
When donkeys were widely used as beasts of burden they would commonly follow their human companions without the use of a lead or rope. They are so loyal that they will carry all your crap for you and follow you into the Grand Canyon over and over again. That is dedication. If I strapped some beer and sandwiches to my dog Dakota, she would eat the sandwiches and then refuse to move until I unstrapped her, I am sure of it. However it might be worth a try.
Donkeys are basically just as cool and cute as zebras but they don’t have the stripes, or the distinction of being shouted last every time someone plays the alphabet game. When I have a donkey, or a pack of donkeys, which is called a Pace, then I will name one of them Zebra and just tell everyone he is a rare stripeless zebra from Africa. Unless he talks, then I will name him Recruiting Manager.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Adventures in Florence
We had an interesting evening last night to say the least. Koda, Sammy and I had a couple of unexpected visitors. Cristy’s air was out at home so her giant person of a doggie, Toby needed to stay at the condo due to his age and breathing problems (poor guy.) I prepared Koda and Sammy, telling them that Toby is just another dog and that he has no intentions of eating and/or stomping them. They seemed to understand but when Toby came in the condo he was breathing so loudly that he awoke the downstairs old man ghost (more on that later.) Needless to say Koda was not thrilled to let Toby smell her butt, so she hid under my legs (Ok, so she hid under Cristy’s legs but I like to pretend that she still loves me best.) Sammy slowly flattened herself further and further into the blanket on top of the chair, I assume attempting to go unseen…it worked for a while…
Once Toby stopped breathing like a freight train (mostly accomplished through him laying his belly flat on the cold floor, frog leg style) we settled in to watch Pretty Little Liars, I mean…CNN, we watched the news or something less embarrassing like that. On a side note, Toby eventually gets frustrated with having to breathe like that so he makes a giant huffy sigh which sends slobber in fourteen different directions. It’s really, um, cute…
After a well played round of PlayStation Jeopardy (seriously, Cristy, tell a girl the rules first next time,) it was time to take Koda and Toby out for their last potty break before bed. Grab leashes, grab dogs, barrel downstairs, dogs use the bathroom like good puppies so it’s time to go back in, and as I go to unlock the door, I realized….no keys. Brain was working overtime trying to think of options. Neighbor Harriet could let me in. Sure, its midnight but she locks herself out all the time. Buzzed her with a quick little buzz, not sure why, maybe it wasn’t as bad as buzzing for a long time. Might just jolt her out of her sleep rather than slowly annoying her into consciousness. Well, yeah that didn’t work so I buzzed a little longer the next time, and then again and again one more time. So about this time a very calm Cristy had taken Toby around back to check and see if we might be able to scale the balcony. And by “we” I mean Cristy because everyone knows what would happen to me if I tried to climb that thing. I’m thinking two fractured legs and a broken tail bone to start with. While she was scoping out the rock climbing situation, I was mulling over other options. Garage door opener is in my car!! Car is locked. Window beside the door, I could open it and reach through the screen….window is locked.
At this point the deck seemed to be the only option, so I followed Cristy around back. Calm as ever (even though her sugar was dropping and we had no food/juice, blood sugar meter, cell phones, etc.) she tried to see if she could jump up and grab the deck to pull herself up. It was just out of her reach, so I searched neighbors’ patios for appropriate furniture to give her a boost. Of course all I could find was a stool that probably couldn’t support a flower pot and two mesh spinning lawn chairs. Apprehensively I began to carry one of the spinning chairs over, picturing Cristy jumping from the chair, spinning in the air, then landing back with her foot piercing through the mesh, broken leg and barking dogs, and me helplessly standing there crying.
Suddenly I heard Cristy’s voice through the darkness “why don’t we just go in their door?” Could it be? The downstairs neighbors have moved to North Carolina, leaving an abandoned condo underneath mine. Their sliding door was open! All that had to be done was go in their condo, through the hallway and then back up to my door! Of course this left the burning question of how someone could pack up and move to another State and not bother to lock their ground floor sliding door which left access for every homeless person and rapist in the tri-state area to party in our hallway.
Standing on my deck in wonderment at our luck that we didn’t have to sleep in the gazebo by the pool with two dogs and only froggy lake water to drink, we came to the conclusion that the old man ghost who lived downstairs must have opened the door for us. I know he is there because he still throws tennis balls up to my deck when Koda drops them off, just the way he did when he was alive. Seriously, watch for me on Ghost Hunters. Oh and also if there is a show called “People Who do Dumb Stuff and Somehow Find Ways to Get Out of It,” then watch for me on there, as well.
Once Toby stopped breathing like a freight train (mostly accomplished through him laying his belly flat on the cold floor, frog leg style) we settled in to watch Pretty Little Liars, I mean…CNN, we watched the news or something less embarrassing like that. On a side note, Toby eventually gets frustrated with having to breathe like that so he makes a giant huffy sigh which sends slobber in fourteen different directions. It’s really, um, cute…
After a well played round of PlayStation Jeopardy (seriously, Cristy, tell a girl the rules first next time,) it was time to take Koda and Toby out for their last potty break before bed. Grab leashes, grab dogs, barrel downstairs, dogs use the bathroom like good puppies so it’s time to go back in, and as I go to unlock the door, I realized….no keys. Brain was working overtime trying to think of options. Neighbor Harriet could let me in. Sure, its midnight but she locks herself out all the time. Buzzed her with a quick little buzz, not sure why, maybe it wasn’t as bad as buzzing for a long time. Might just jolt her out of her sleep rather than slowly annoying her into consciousness. Well, yeah that didn’t work so I buzzed a little longer the next time, and then again and again one more time. So about this time a very calm Cristy had taken Toby around back to check and see if we might be able to scale the balcony. And by “we” I mean Cristy because everyone knows what would happen to me if I tried to climb that thing. I’m thinking two fractured legs and a broken tail bone to start with. While she was scoping out the rock climbing situation, I was mulling over other options. Garage door opener is in my car!! Car is locked. Window beside the door, I could open it and reach through the screen….window is locked.
At this point the deck seemed to be the only option, so I followed Cristy around back. Calm as ever (even though her sugar was dropping and we had no food/juice, blood sugar meter, cell phones, etc.) she tried to see if she could jump up and grab the deck to pull herself up. It was just out of her reach, so I searched neighbors’ patios for appropriate furniture to give her a boost. Of course all I could find was a stool that probably couldn’t support a flower pot and two mesh spinning lawn chairs. Apprehensively I began to carry one of the spinning chairs over, picturing Cristy jumping from the chair, spinning in the air, then landing back with her foot piercing through the mesh, broken leg and barking dogs, and me helplessly standing there crying.
Suddenly I heard Cristy’s voice through the darkness “why don’t we just go in their door?” Could it be? The downstairs neighbors have moved to North Carolina, leaving an abandoned condo underneath mine. Their sliding door was open! All that had to be done was go in their condo, through the hallway and then back up to my door! Of course this left the burning question of how someone could pack up and move to another State and not bother to lock their ground floor sliding door which left access for every homeless person and rapist in the tri-state area to party in our hallway.
Standing on my deck in wonderment at our luck that we didn’t have to sleep in the gazebo by the pool with two dogs and only froggy lake water to drink, we came to the conclusion that the old man ghost who lived downstairs must have opened the door for us. I know he is there because he still throws tennis balls up to my deck when Koda drops them off, just the way he did when he was alive. Seriously, watch for me on Ghost Hunters. Oh and also if there is a show called “People Who do Dumb Stuff and Somehow Find Ways to Get Out of It,” then watch for me on there, as well.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Cheese and Oreos
So, I have seriously neglected my blogging duties as of late, and the reason for that has one name. Cristy. I spend so much time trying to make her laugh via text, email or clever facebook postings (if they don’t come across as clever it’s cause we have inside jokes that you aren’t cool enough to understand, mmkay?!) that I have not needed this creative outlet. However the part of my brain that enjoys writing has begun to argue with the rest of my brain, and I am confident that is what has turned me into an Oreo Cookie addict. Yes, I have eaten a half a box of Oreos in the last couple of days….
Thus, I decided to blog about my adventures into veganism. No, I won’t lecture anyone…this time. I just have come to some conclusions worth sharing. Cheese is the best food on the planet. There, I said it. I love cheese and all its greasy, gooey, goodness. It holds casseroles together, it tops a taco and traps the yummy inside, it binds pasta dishes, makes pizza what it is and I have determined I will not be able to live much longer without my old friend, Cheese. Milk, I can do without. I think I could even learn to give up baked goods and other things that require eggs. They are weird little buggers anyways when you think about it. But Cheese is going to have to reenter my life, I just have to determine when.
I have also decided that had I not started dating a carnivore who can eat more than a giant after a 10k who fasted for a week before hand, then I might not have started craving the stuff so quickly. The biggest problem here is that I love to cook. I simply love cooking and having other people enjoy my creations. Cristy does not enjoy Peanut Butter and Jelly with vegetarian baked beans and broccoli with butter substitute. I mean, she is really nice and she would tell me she liked it and clean her plate but then I would be ordering her two large bacon pizzas with extra meat on the side in two hours time.
This diet has done a few things for me which I celebrate. First of all it has let me know that I CAN do this. I can live a vegan lifestyle and not starve. I believe that I will cut back on animal products in my life, for moral and health purposes and of course remain vegetarian.
Secondly, I have lost some weight, which always makes me happy. However one reason that I have yet to determine the end date of my vegan experience, is that I am worried I will put that weight back on immediately when I try to cram in three weeks worth of pizza, cheesy pasta, burritos, macaroni and cheese, sour creamy baked potatoes and god knows what else. Since I am dating the woman who can eat two Chipotle Burritos in one sitting and not gain an ounce on her tiny body, I fear that the only reason that I haven’t packed on weight recently given my crap-ass metabolism, is the V word. No, not that dirty minds, Veganism.
This will remain to be seen, but I am still thinking that if she has stuck around after finding nothing she likes to eat at my condo but lettuce with dressing, then she is probably a keeper…among other reasons.
Thus, I decided to blog about my adventures into veganism. No, I won’t lecture anyone…this time. I just have come to some conclusions worth sharing. Cheese is the best food on the planet. There, I said it. I love cheese and all its greasy, gooey, goodness. It holds casseroles together, it tops a taco and traps the yummy inside, it binds pasta dishes, makes pizza what it is and I have determined I will not be able to live much longer without my old friend, Cheese. Milk, I can do without. I think I could even learn to give up baked goods and other things that require eggs. They are weird little buggers anyways when you think about it. But Cheese is going to have to reenter my life, I just have to determine when.
I have also decided that had I not started dating a carnivore who can eat more than a giant after a 10k who fasted for a week before hand, then I might not have started craving the stuff so quickly. The biggest problem here is that I love to cook. I simply love cooking and having other people enjoy my creations. Cristy does not enjoy Peanut Butter and Jelly with vegetarian baked beans and broccoli with butter substitute. I mean, she is really nice and she would tell me she liked it and clean her plate but then I would be ordering her two large bacon pizzas with extra meat on the side in two hours time.
This diet has done a few things for me which I celebrate. First of all it has let me know that I CAN do this. I can live a vegan lifestyle and not starve. I believe that I will cut back on animal products in my life, for moral and health purposes and of course remain vegetarian.
Secondly, I have lost some weight, which always makes me happy. However one reason that I have yet to determine the end date of my vegan experience, is that I am worried I will put that weight back on immediately when I try to cram in three weeks worth of pizza, cheesy pasta, burritos, macaroni and cheese, sour creamy baked potatoes and god knows what else. Since I am dating the woman who can eat two Chipotle Burritos in one sitting and not gain an ounce on her tiny body, I fear that the only reason that I haven’t packed on weight recently given my crap-ass metabolism, is the V word. No, not that dirty minds, Veganism.
This will remain to be seen, but I am still thinking that if she has stuck around after finding nothing she likes to eat at my condo but lettuce with dressing, then she is probably a keeper…among other reasons.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Bodysuits
Meg: I just went into Forever 21 and they have body suits! No crotch snaps, though.
Me: What? Well in that case I dont want one.
Meg: Haha, me either, too hard to pee.
Me: I know, did we learn nothing from the 80's?
Me: What? Well in that case I dont want one.
Meg: Haha, me either, too hard to pee.
Me: I know, did we learn nothing from the 80's?
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