How To: Use the Lanes on the Highway

This is the first in what I hope will be many blogs giving simple “How To” instructions regarding seemingly simple concepts which are apparently confusing in practice. The first topic I will discuss is the proper use of Lanes on two lane roads and highways.

1. Pass on the left, and don’t pass on the right. Thus, if a car is to the left of YOUR car when you are passing them then that is bad. I know this is confusing, so remember: The sucker you are passing is on the right, and that is right, right!?

2. If you intend to change lanes, indicate this with your turning signal (I will continue to call this a turning signal instead of turn signal because it’s cuter, even if it is inappropriate) PRIOR to changing lanes. This allows other cars around you to prepare for your upcoming lane change. It is ineffective to signal while changing lanes and it is frankly pretty prickish. (Here I am, Bitches, all up in your lane!!!)

3. The turning signal is pushed up to indicate a right turn, and down to indicate a left turn. If this becomes confusing try to imagine the steering wheel like a clock. The lever moves up around and clockwise for right, down and counterclockwise for left. Draw a pretty picture if you need to and place the diagram on your wheel instead of that peely, cracked and stained steering wheel cover. Seriously, it’s gross.

4. The frequent use of the term “Fast Lanes” for the left hand lanes has led the population to believe that the further left you are on the highway then the faster you should be going. This is incorrect. It doesn’t go: snails and drunken turtles in right lane, old people in next lane, angry commuters in next lane, and finally race car drivers on crack in far left lane. A better name for the lanes on the left is “Passing Lanes.” That is what these lanes are for is to PASS people who you wish to drive faster than. Thus, if Car A is in the far left lane passing Car B but only passing them at 65 MPH while you wish to be driving 98 MPH, this does NOT give you the right to ride Car A’s bumper, honk, gesture, moon, flash your hand gun or otherwise intimidate them. Let Car A pass Car B then you can pass both of them!! Yay!

5. It is best not to assume that another car will get out of your way if you wish to be driving where they are. You know what they say happens when we assume, it “makes an Ass out of U and Me!” And in this case it can make a bloody road pancake out of you and me and likely a few other people. Probably best to wait til all is clear.

6. If you miss your exit, proceed to the following exit, turn around and head back to your intended exit. It is not correct to fly across 3 lanes of traffic like Simba through the stampeding Antelope to barely make your exit, narrowly missing the barrier by 2.5 inches. That is simply not appropriate for obvious reasons, thank you.

7. Turning Lanes are for turning, not driving. Drive in regular lanes. Turn in turning lanes. Turning lanes have arrows in them to indicate that you can turn from them. Thus an emergency lane, although wide enough to fit your car, may not be appropriate to turn from, so look for those handy arrows.

8. Solid lines mean not to cross over them. Think of them like floating lines in the swimming pool, if you cross them you will bump your head and inhale chlorine water. But instead of bumping your head you will smash it into your steering wheel when you crash into someone who knew you were not supposed to cross the solid lines. Dotted lines mean you can cross but only if it is safe to do so. If there is a school bus full of babies flying directly at you at full speed then it’s best not to use the spotted line change option at that time.

Please feel free to add any additional instruction you may see fit. Thank you for driving safely, please keep your hands, arms, ass, middle finger, and sawed off shot gun inside the car at all times.