I finally pinned Cristy down to Watch Fiddler on the Roof this weekend. I always think that I have seen it enough times to not cry for the entire last hour of the movie, but alas, my eyes are still red and burning even today. All the boohooing starts when Tevye is parting with Hodle as she leaves for Siberia on the train, “Far From the Home I Love.” But the REAL kicker is and will always be when Chava is begging Tevye to accept her, along with the song/dance sequence that follows. I am intrigued by the symbolism and messages of this entire story because they are still relevant and I am confident they will always be relevant for girls coming of age. I love when Tevye signals the Fiddler to come along with them at the end of the movie, so much meaning behind such a small gesture!!
I had a eureka moment last night as Chava stands there watching her father walk away from her, turning his back on her life. I was thinking it, and Cristy said it: “we understand your pain, Chava.” The fear she had earlier in the film has come to fruition. She was so afraid that her family would not accept her marriage to a Christian man that she was willing for a while to keep it silent. She had to face the terrible choice of family or following her heart, and was left wishing for what she couldn’t have: Both.
This part of Fiddler has always hurt my heart and made me weep deeply and heavily; but now I see myself in Chava and it is all the more painful. Before I came out to my family I was a terrified emotional wreck. Would they accept me, and even if they did would they still see me the same way? The lyrics: “you were always such a pretty little thing, everybody’s favorite child.” I can’t even type that here without tearing up. It is terribly unsettling to wonder if loved ones will continue to see you as whom you were and are or whether they will simply tolerate you now that you love someone they might not approve of.
During my coming out process (I hate that phrase because it doesn’t sound like what I did. It doesn’t describe everyone’s experience but instead generalizes, however it is the only phrase available) I felt that I would never again get to be my old self so I had to create someone new entirely. I had to find new friends, wear more masculine clothes, sit, stand or walk a certain way. I would start going out to bars again, acting crazy and rebellious. If my family and friends were going to reject me then I might as well help push them away.
Only now do I finally feel comfortable in my skin. I have the confidence that my family does love me and I have a solid group of gay friends while simultaneously staying close with some of my old friends and new straight friends, as well. I wear dresses but not heels, I have found my own style and I am proud of my current life. However I will always remember and still have that fear that I am not seen as the sweet little bird I once was; what if something ever so small has changed in me to the people I love?
Little Bird, Little Chaveleh
I don't understand what’s happening today, Everything is all a blur.
All I can see is a happy child;
The sweet little bird you were
Chaveleh, Chaveleh
Little Bird, Little Chaveleh
You were always such a pretty little thing, Everybody's favorite child.
Gentle and kind and affectionate;
The sweet little bird you were
Chaveleh, Chaveleh….
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I'd say your thoughts and comparisons here to being gay verses marrying the wrong man are all applicable. However, I would go a step further and suggest that it is applicable to all of those who make choices that aren't considered "typical." I'm not so sure my brother doesn't feel the same of his addiction or that I don't feel the same following my divorce. I think it has left me feeling "tarnished" in a way. That's not to discount your situation. I know it's tougher than most. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm not so sure we are all that different. I know you commented on my post about having dinner with the moms of Macon's friend from class. As they thanked me for not judging them, my only response was, "I am divorced at 33. While that may be more 'acceptable' because it is more common, I want to thank you for not judging me."
ReplyDeleteVery true! I think that even though I noted that I am comfortable now I still have that insecurity even though no one has done anything to make me feel that way. Every family has their little "things" and we are all happier if we accept our differences, love unconditionally and become comfortable with who we are, not who we would like to be. Judgement is so last century. :-)
ReplyDelete